kybearfuzz: (Opus Flying)
Today marks my 17th year journaling on LJ (now cross-posting from Dreamwidth). I initially started the journal to document my first trip overseas for work, which then grew to real blogging once I started making LJ friends with folks, both virtually and in the real world.

It's been a wild ride so far. While I understand why some folks migrated to other social media, the mass exodus was very disappointing as I felt that the new platforms may be more immediate, but they were snippets versus stories.

Why did I stay here? Well, a few months before the masses ran for the lifeboats, I bought a permanent account. Not the best timing, but I also get a lot of storage space for the account, so I kept it.

Additionally, I do like being able to write more and I often go back and re-read what people have posted. While I don't write every day like I used to, I do trying to get a few entries in here.

I don't see me leaving anytime soon and I appreciate everyone who is still roaming the somewhat sparsely-occupied halls of this place! :)
kybearfuzz: (Default)
I don't have a set date for the anniversary of my coming out. As I have posted before, I came out to myself when I turned 30 years old and started the process of coming out to others very soon after. I have never regretted it for a moment.

Mark 2020 Homoversary sm
Yes, I have this many colors of these shirts...


A couple of weeks ago, I was having a conversation with a co-worker about visiting family for the holidays. I don't recall exactly how, but the discussion came around to him asking me if my parents ever tried to "correct" any obvious gay traits (OGTs) that they may have seen in me.

Being non-athletic and a tad histrionic, I was often labeled as a sissy by other kids, including cousins and even siblings. I know my dad often shut me down whenever things got a bit over the top. I remember that he bought me and my siblings glossy tee-shirts, the kind you saw in the 1970s where a thick, photographic transfer was on the front. My sister had something girly, with a horse on it or a kitten (I think). My brother had the "General Lee" car from "The Dukes of Hazzard." Mine was "Daisy Duke" from the same show, played by Barbara Bach, sitting seductively on her jeep. I tried to find a photo of it online and I couldn't. While I would enjoy the shirt for its kitschy nature now, at the time I was unimpressed with it. Looking back, I see it for what it was, something with a hot girl on the front that I could be seen in by others.

When we would watch the show, there was a scene in the opening credits with Barbara Bach in a red bikini. If I hooted and hollered at it, my dad would laugh proudly. It was all for his benefit and in a house full of kids, I got dad's attention for a few seconds, so it became a weekly event.

My dad signed me and the twin up for football in 3rd grade without asking, that I recall. If he did, it was probably phrased "Do you guys want to go play football? It'll be fun!" without telling us exactly what was involved. I just remember being taken to a locker room one day and fitted with ill-fitting pads and pants, saddled with a helmet too small, and then dragged to a field for my first practice. It wasn't fun. I hated it. When I quit after two weeks, my dad was disappointed in me, giving me dirty stares and not speaking to me for a month after. At 8 years old, that was rough. Again, I'm sure it was done to try to butch me up, but luckily my mom said I didn't have to do it if I didn't want to.

On a side note, my sister took this same approach with her kid that Mom did. If my nephew didn't enjoy sports, he didn't have to play them. I often wonder if she doesn't remember my horrible foray into football as part of her decision-making process.

My folks always said I was the quiet child of their brood. The reason for that was that after being shut down so much for any dramatic behavior, I found being quiet got me less correction. Once my siblings and I hit our teen years, Mom and Dad had to give a lot more attention to my more rebellious twin and sis than me, so I was often left to do whatever I wanted.

Today, there is the movement for gender neutrality, no pushing boys toward boy-things or girls toward girl-things. Some (mostly conservative) folks hate it because it fights the comfortable norm they grew up with, while others love their kids no matter what and don't believe it's necessary to push them toward things they may not want.

So did my folks try to correct my behavior, yeah, but mostly my dad. I've heard and read horror stories of others' experience, so mine pale in comparison.

Out for 15

Jan. 15th, 2018 02:50 pm
kybearfuzz: (Dahhling!)
January 2018 marks the 15th anniversary of my coming out of the closet. Normally, I try to have something interesting to write about, but for some reason I'm coming up blank. I looked back at past entries to see what I'd written about. Last year, I didn't even post an entry as I had just gotten home after a disastrous weekend-long trip home from Seattle and I must have forgotten.

One thing that has changed since I first came out is the perception that people have of gay people. When I first came out in 2003, I kept my gayness close to the vest, coming out to select people and keeping a strict boundary between my work life and my personal life. Attitudes toward gays were still difficult to predict. A person could come across as a good egg and turn nasty at the mention of gay rights, so the uncertainty I felt was real.

I trusted a handful of folks at the office and came out to them. As time goes by, keeping that boundary became harder and harder and the need to keep it became weaker and weaker. People had worked with me for over a decade and never heard me mention a girlfriend or dating, so people started figuring it out. There are some very conservative Christians in my office and I'm not sure how they would react to the news of definitely telling them point-blank. I have no reason to, so I don't.

Back then, even my online life had a dichotomy. Online, "kybearfuzz" was a gay 30-something in KY and "Mark Parmon" was this guy who worked in Cincinnati, Ohio. I even kept separate email addresses for both. When I started posting my online comic book, my real name wasn't on it, only the online alias of "kybearfuzz." Eventually, those two identities merged online. My real name is on the comic. I still keep both email addresses as the one for Mark Parmon has largely become a receptacle for online coupons, credit card info, and a handful of friends.

Today, while I don't feel the need to run up and down the hallways at work with my rainbow flag billowing in the air, I don't feel the need to act differently than I always do. Newer coworkers have figured it out, or have been told by others. Younger co-workers seriously do not have issues about gay people these days. I have a bear flag on the front of my car and one of my gay co-workers openly refers to it as the "Bearmobile."

Me at 45
Me at 45 (15 years out)


We still have a long way to go in terms of gay rights, but things are better, even despite the current administration. When I get to 20 years out, at the ripe old age of 50, I'm very curious where we'll be. Hopefully, still moving forward.
kybearfuzz: (Me_2ndGrade)
It is that time of year again. While I never remember the exact day, I know it was mid-January of 2003 that I looking into a mirror and finally admitted to myself that I was gay. I'm surprised that I don't recall the exact day. You'd think something so monumental would have branded itself in my mind. So, I'm thirteen years gay, I guess.

326 - BracesThere are days I look back on things and I often wonder how my parents or my siblings didn't figure it out first. I wasn't great at hiding it, as evident from the teasing I encountered in junior high and high school. Often I wonder if I wasn't the invisible kid in my own house, the teenage antics of my sister and twin brother, both good and bad, garnering so much of parents' attention that they didn't have to spend much on me.

There were many instances of my admiring the hairy and/or bearded in TV shows and movies. I sometimes drew such men, but made sure to rip up and discard them before anyone else saw them. If anyone paid close attention they could have figured it out. I tried hard not to make any public demonstrations of my desire for these guys, but there was one good instance I recall where I slipped up.

I was the 5th grade and my mom and sister loved to read horrible rags like "The National Inquirer" and their ilk. I admit that I enjoyed reading them at times too. One such "issue" had a story about a pencil drawing that was being circulated publicly of Tom Selleck, that he supposedly didn't want seen. He was in all of his shirtless glory, chest hair for days, and that wonderfully wry smile front and center. From an artistic perspective, it was absolutely spot on (I tried to find it online and couldn't... drat). I used to stare at the drawing with the intensity of a stalker, admiring every curve, every shading, every nuance, getting a pre-puberty boner in the process every time.

Pride 2015 - Final DesignOne day in class, our substitute teacher was giving us a biology lesson. It basically was talking about how animals tend to have fur, which thickens in the winter time and thins in the summer. She was explaining how the fur helped keep the animal warm in the winter time. In the midst of the discussion, the teacher had said this didn't happen in people.

As if on cue, I raised my hand, asking "What about Tom Selleck? He's pretty furry!"

I felt it was on honest question, but I recall wishing I hadn't asked it almost immediately. The class turned and looked at me with this "WTF" stare and the teacher stammered that she didn't think it was the same thing. I clearly caught her off-guard. It seriously embarrassed me, which is why I remember it so vividly.

At least now, I can openly admire such furry beauty and make these comments without worry for the most part. And obviously, I draw what I like and post them publicly.

It's a good place to be.

Twelve

Jan. 14th, 2015 10:53 pm
kybearfuzz: (Thinking)
This month marks my twelfth anniversary of coming out of the closet. In many ways I'd thought certain things in my life would have developed by now, but other things have exceeded my expectations and some unexpected things have been grand surprises.

This year I thought I would write about something that quickly became a constant after coming out and that would be my online presence. I can't imagine how coming out would have been if the internet had not been available. I often wonder if I would have come out earlier in my life if the internet had been so developed during my college years. Having access to so many gay-related things online gave me the ability to explore and research things in a safe way without any significant risk. Don't get me wrong, I did a fair amount of looking around online when I was in the closet, but it bolstered my courage when I finally felt the time was right.

Silly as it may sound, one of the first things I gave myself as a gift was a paid profile on Bear411. It was a safe social outlet while I was still getting my feet wet in the local gay bar scene. It was fun chatting to guys both local and far away, including the handsome fellers overseas. In fact, one of guys I still chat with is a Canadian bear who was then at university in Germany. One day he was lamenting that it was difficult to get peanut butter. So, as a gift, I sent him four jars of peanut butter in the mail. We've been friends ever since and I have yet to meet him in person. That's something I hope to remedy this summer.

The year of 2003 was also the year I started Livejournal. I was preparing to take my first trip overseas for work and another online friend suggested that I start this journal to document the experience. So I did. Not only was this a place to document my domestic and overseas trips, but also my thoughts, my cartoons, and my experiences. It's also a place I made and continue to make good friends, including those that still read this and those who have had closed up shop on their journals. Before most everyone jumped ship, I bought a permanent account, so I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon.

Of course, the next evolution of meeting people was Facebook. I was hesitant to join it at first. I didn't like the idea that my gay life was going to be so public, but I then realized that that "public" was the point of "being out." Facebook has its good points, I admit, but I could never write something like this entry on Facebook. Facebook is like reading the headlines of a newspaper. Livejournal allows for reading the details of the story. It's one of the reasons why I'll keep my journal going.

Of course, Bear411 has changed to and there are other options available now. iPhone apps like "Growlr" and "Mister" are out there and it allows for chatting with handsome bears from all over at the touch of a icon.

Oh, how far we've come. How far we will go. I admit that I'm happy to have come out in such a time.
kybearfuzz: (Lick-Em Bite-Em)
January 2013 means I have been out of the closet for ten years. While so many things have happened, it still doesn't feel like it's been 10 years. I remember the frightening feeling of admitting it to myself at 30, but things have certainly gone far better than I thought it would have.

10 Years Out
Looks bright, right?


I was wondering what I'd post for this anniversary. On the drive home today, I heard an Aerosmith song on the radio and it came to me (and no, it wasn't "Dude Looks Like a Lady"). It was "Rag Doll" and it reminded me of something from long ago, the first time a guy hit on me. It was surprising and nerve-wracking at the time, yet funny in retrospect.


I was eight years old.

Hey, don't freak out and call Chris Hansen! I wasn't molested or anything like that! This is not a dirty story, I promise.

When I was eight years old, the annual JLA/JSA team-up came out in late 1981. It was a fantastic story, drawn by the always impressive George Perez. This team-up in Justice League of America #195-197 brought out some heroes and villains from the Golden Age. One of the great ones I read in the comic was a villain called Rag Doll, a triple-jointed bad guy who dressed up like a giant rag doll and fought the Golden Age Flash. I was amazingly taken with the Golden Age comic characters because they were new to me.

My dad was a truck driver, who had a regular, daily route between my hometown of Corbin, KY and Lexington, KY about 90 miles away. He drove the local mail to the sorting center six nights a week and brought the Corbin mail back. On occasion, the twin and I would accompany him. On this particular trip, it was just me.

In Dad's truck was a CB radio and we'd chat away on it often. On this particular trip, we had arrived in Lexington around 11 PM. Dad was inside the sorting center getting the necessary paperwork fixed up and left me in the cab alone. I knew better than to touch anything that would cause the truck to move, but the CB was fair game. So I started chatting and came up with the CB-handle "Rag Doll." Anonymity was fun and I thought it was a neat handle.

Some unknown trucker started chatting with me. I don't recall his handle, so we'll just call him "Hairy Trucker." He started telling me that I had a nice voice and asked me what I was up to tonight. I told him I was just passing through Lexington as soon as the truck was ready. He told me that he was breezing through the area on I-75 himself. After about four or five minutes of talking, he asked me if I knew where a certain hotel in Lexington. I said I didn't. He told me what exit it was on and asked me if I wanted to meet there for a drink.

Naive and confused to what he was hinting at, I just blurted out to him something like, "I can't, my dad will be here in a few minutes and we need to get home."

Somewhere in the next few questions, I honestly told him I was a boy and 8 years old. I thought that it was obvious. I can't imagine how freaked out this guy was. He did ask something like, "Why would you use a handle like 'Rag Doll'?"

I told him that it was a comic book character that I thought was cool. He educated me that it was a girl's handle.

Mortified that I had done something wrong, I signed off and stayed away from the CB for the rest of the night. It wasn't until years later that it hit me what Hairy Trucker was asking for. I can definitely see the humor in it now. I often wonder what the trucker told people, if he ever told anyone he propositioned a lady that turned out to be an 8-year-old boy.

Obviously, I was good at chatting and ironically practicing for something I do regularly these days. :D

kybearfuzz: (Cincy Pride 2010)
There was a day nine years ago this month that I looked in the mirror and admitted to myself that I was gay. It's hard to believe it took so long and so much effort to say such a thing, but it was. After that, it got easier to say. I wish I could recall the exact date, but oddly that date got lost in the excitement of things.

Nine Years Out
Nine Years and Many More to Go
"Born Gay" shirt by [livejournal.com profile] chrisglass


Yesterday, I was talking to a coworker and friend. She told me that during lunch her boss had remarked that it took her a long time to "figure Mark out." They were talking about past employees and had somehow come to employees they knew or suspected was gay. She said she wasn't derogatory about it, but just curious.

I'm not upset by this. Realistically, I have worked in this office for years. Most people are curious enough of everyone's lives that they realize they've never heard me talk of a girlfriend or a wife. At my age, I think it's natural for people to wonder if maybe getting married to a woman isn't really my thing. So "figuring Mark out" shouldn't be difficult to folks who pay a bit of attention.

One of the great perks of being out is doing things that I would likely never have done while in the closet (And I ain't just talking about the secks). Friday night, I'm going to see Miss Magnolia Beaumont Goes to Provincetown, a play about the spirit of a southern debutante finding herself trapped in the body of the thirty-year-old gay man on his way to Provincetown, Massachusetts for a birthday vacation. Someday, I'll hope to visit Provincetown... sans the possession by a Southern belle.

Luckily I'm one of those already. :)
kybearfuzz: (Glasses)
I've been thinking about what to put on here for my eighth anniversary from the closet. Normally I post some event from the past, but nothing specific has come to mind this year and I think that, in itself, is post-worthy.

Go Team!No, I haven't lost my mind. Well, okay, that's subjective to some.

When I came out of the closet eight years ago this month, it was quite a personal event. Now I'm guessing I'm starting to mellow out a little bit on the idea of being out. Before it was something like a secret I was revealing to the world, allowing a little bit more of myself to be known to friends and family. It was exciting.

The road has been a good one, mostly full of acceptance with only an occasional disappointment. Am I out to everyone? No. Do I care if others find out? Not really.

Last night I drew this cartoon to describe a happy mood, a kilted cheerleader. Imagine an entire squad of them. If there were such squads, I'd watch sports happily.
kybearfuzz: (Default)
Opening Credit
From Family Guy's "Something Something Something Darkside"

January 2010 marks my seventh anniversary for coming out.

More Stuff -- Cut for the Uninterested )
kybearfuzz: (Me in a Hat)
Catching glances...
Admiring the Non-Standard Beauty

The above toon really has little to do with the entry directly. I just doodled it last night for fun (and after a visit to the gym yesterday).

It is difficult to believe it's been six years since I decided to leave Ye Olde Closet. It doesn't seem that long ago and yet it seems like forever. So many experiences, so many yet to have.

Getting Long Here -- Cut for the Uninterested )
kybearfuzz: (WOOF!)
Not a bird, not a plane...Big warm birthday hugs and smooches to [livejournal.com profile] susobear, who is absolutely adorable! I hope it's a great one :)

This January marks my 5th year anniversary of coming out of that darn closet. It's been a great ride so far and I look forward to seeing what the future holds.

I usually recount some single event for my anniversary, but I can't decide on just one and it seems like just being out by itself is a big deal.

More Stuff, Lengthy Post, Cut for the Uninterested )
kybearfuzz: (Opus Flying)
On the drive back to my office today, I had time to think about my last entry about coming out to my sister. I shouldn't have cliffhangers, I guess, as I'm likely to forget to continue things for next year's anniversary. So, just for the interested parties, here is the rest of the story with my coming out to the twin.

Cut to save space and the uninterested... )
kybearfuzz: (Good Catch)
It's amazing how fast the time can go when you're having a good time. This month marks not only my birthday, but also the day I let the closet door fly open. Birth and rebirth so to speak. My only regret is that I didn't mark the exact date when I admitted to myself that I was a flaming 'mo. While driving in the snow today, I pondered what story I'd recall for my fourth anniversary. I had quite a few to choose from, but I picked the first time I ever told someone I cared about my dirty, wonderful secret identity.

And the rest of the story... cut for the uninterested )
kybearfuzz: (Singles Paired)
I wish I had recorded the exact day when I looked into the mirror and accepted the fact I was gay. I remember it was January 2003, but the day is pretty much lost to me. In looking back it seemed so much was going on at the time that the days blurred together. And of course, I didn't have LJ to document it all. Too bad, I think I would have enjoyed having that on record.

I think for this year's anniversary, I'll recount my very first date. I don't mean my first gay date, specifically, but rather my first date.. EVER... at age 30, that just happened to be with a guy :)

Cut for the disinterested )
kybearfuzz: (Default)
I'm in a pretty good mood despite the crappy winter weather and questionable driving conditions.

I was chatting a bit on line last night and someone asked me how long I've been out. It dawned on me that it has been exactly two years this month. I'd forgotten as time seems to go so fast. It's a decision I've never regretted, in fact it lifted a huge burden of oppression from shoulders.

Set the Way Back Machine to January 2003 -- It gets long from here )

It's been a steep learning curve over the two years, but a journey well worth doing. I've made some grand friends, in person and online. I enjoy movies more, like certain comedians or singers or books I wouldn't have admitted to before. Life, despite it's current crappy weather and idiots out driving around, is pretty good.

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kybearfuzz: (Default)
kybearfuzz

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