kybearfuzz | My Fifth Anniversary (Reply)

Big warm birthday hugs and smooches to

susobear, who is absolutely adorable! I hope it's a great one :)

This January marks my 5th year anniversary of coming out of that darn closet. It's been a great ride so far and I look forward to seeing what the future holds.

I usually recount some single event for my anniversary, but I can't decide on just one and it seems like just being out by itself is a big deal.

Not being out until I was thirty, I had an extremely limited social life. Dating was impossible in my opinion and just hanging out with mostly work friends always meant just playing the straight guy. I didn't enjoy it that much as it is hard to maintain the illusion of interest in the opposite sex when the interest never existed. I concentrated on professional development, moved for work a couple of times, bought a house, and tried to make myself as stable as I could. In many ways, I felt like I had a secret identity. Acting one way publicly, and surfing gay internet sites at night in the comfort of my own home.

I’m sure Superman would have loved to tell his friends his true identity many times, but for various reasons kept it to himself. While he could leap tall buildings, mine was the desire to leap on men, cape optional. In my secret identity, I played the game, hooted at girls when the guys were about, especially my dad or the twin to keep up appearances. My true self enjoyed watching pro-wrestling for different reasons than originally presented. I certainly didn't watch Magnum, P.I. for the plot. It was hard to go through high school and watch my sister and the twin go on dates while I sat back and let many experiences pass me by. Experiences that I'm now enjoying and dealing with the same awkward teenage feelings but from an adult perspective.

The upsides of being out – great friends new and old, dating, sex, being comfortable in my own skin. The downsides? I have yet to run into many of those. Honestly, I can't think of any.

At the five year mark of my being out, the initial thrill of being out may be gone, but the end result has been remarkably worthwhile. My secret identity still lingers a little, mostly at work with the unaware, but at least that is more by choice than by necessity. Many of my coworkers have figured it out on their own. The fear is gone, which is by far one of the best parts. The people important to me know who I am now.

The two halves, the real me and the secret identity, have blended into a single person that everyone now gets to deal with. It may sound egotistical, but I like the person I've become. The cape is still optional, but at least it's a fabulous cape.