kybearfuzz: (Default)
I don't have a set date for the anniversary of my coming out. As I have posted before, I came out to myself when I turned 30 years old and started the process of coming out to others very soon after. I have never regretted it for a moment.

Mark 2020 Homoversary sm
Yes, I have this many colors of these shirts...


A couple of weeks ago, I was having a conversation with a co-worker about visiting family for the holidays. I don't recall exactly how, but the discussion came around to him asking me if my parents ever tried to "correct" any obvious gay traits (OGTs) that they may have seen in me.

Being non-athletic and a tad histrionic, I was often labeled as a sissy by other kids, including cousins and even siblings. I know my dad often shut me down whenever things got a bit over the top. I remember that he bought me and my siblings glossy tee-shirts, the kind you saw in the 1970s where a thick, photographic transfer was on the front. My sister had something girly, with a horse on it or a kitten (I think). My brother had the "General Lee" car from "The Dukes of Hazzard." Mine was "Daisy Duke" from the same show, played by Barbara Bach, sitting seductively on her jeep. I tried to find a photo of it online and I couldn't. While I would enjoy the shirt for its kitschy nature now, at the time I was unimpressed with it. Looking back, I see it for what it was, something with a hot girl on the front that I could be seen in by others.

When we would watch the show, there was a scene in the opening credits with Barbara Bach in a red bikini. If I hooted and hollered at it, my dad would laugh proudly. It was all for his benefit and in a house full of kids, I got dad's attention for a few seconds, so it became a weekly event.

My dad signed me and the twin up for football in 3rd grade without asking, that I recall. If he did, it was probably phrased "Do you guys want to go play football? It'll be fun!" without telling us exactly what was involved. I just remember being taken to a locker room one day and fitted with ill-fitting pads and pants, saddled with a helmet too small, and then dragged to a field for my first practice. It wasn't fun. I hated it. When I quit after two weeks, my dad was disappointed in me, giving me dirty stares and not speaking to me for a month after. At 8 years old, that was rough. Again, I'm sure it was done to try to butch me up, but luckily my mom said I didn't have to do it if I didn't want to.

On a side note, my sister took this same approach with her kid that Mom did. If my nephew didn't enjoy sports, he didn't have to play them. I often wonder if she doesn't remember my horrible foray into football as part of her decision-making process.

My folks always said I was the quiet child of their brood. The reason for that was that after being shut down so much for any dramatic behavior, I found being quiet got me less correction. Once my siblings and I hit our teen years, Mom and Dad had to give a lot more attention to my more rebellious twin and sis than me, so I was often left to do whatever I wanted.

Today, there is the movement for gender neutrality, no pushing boys toward boy-things or girls toward girl-things. Some (mostly conservative) folks hate it because it fights the comfortable norm they grew up with, while others love their kids no matter what and don't believe it's necessary to push them toward things they may not want.

So did my folks try to correct my behavior, yeah, but mostly my dad. I've heard and read horror stories of others' experience, so mine pale in comparison.
kybearfuzz: (Dreaming)
I slept twelve hours last night. I really have no idea why I was so tired last night, but I needed the rest apparently. The dream last night/this morning is odd enough.

I was a groomsman in a wedding, along with Brian ([profile] cincycub) and a coworker of mine from Chicago named Eric. I have no idea who was getting married. It seemed like I was in a constant state of trying to get ready. Brian had put in my boutonniere and I had put in Eric's. Everyone was sitting around in a fancy hotel ballroom waiting for the wedding to begin.

In a side room, I was trying to get my hair under control and it was very unruly for some reason. I had taken my jacket off and, through the open door, everyone was starring at me. I thought the wedding was starting and so I jumped, grabbed my jacket, and rushed back to the main ballroom, only to find everyone still waiting.

I left the wedding, thinking I had time to rush to my home to get my hair tamed. When I arrived at my apartment that I apparently shared with the twin, there was a party being thrown. Rooms of people just roaming about the place. I was furious that he'd do this while I was gone as I'm wondering how much of my stuff was being stolen by these gaggles of complete strangers.

I got to my room, which I shared with my twin college-style, as a group of party-goers were leaving. One guy, a younger, clean-shaven man, stayed behind and started talking with me.

"Where is my brother?" I asked.

"Who is your brother?" He asked back.

"The other guy who lives in this room," I said sternly, "I'm the first guy."

He stated that he didn't know, which made me realize that he was just dragged into the party. I remembered the wedding and grabbed a brush to try to get my hair fixed. I looked in the mirror and my hair was wild. Unable to get it under control, I decided to wet my hair down in the shower and removed my jacket.

The guy in the room was chatting with me still. Telling me that he was in college, majoring in chemistry, which struck a chord with me as that was my degree as well. However, in this dream, I was not in college, but had my career as I do now.

As I was towel-drying my head, I told him that I obviously didn't have time to chat as I was in a wedding, but gave him some advice. The advice was that it was a good degree to have as it opened doors to jobs that may not be lab-related that were just as satisfying and well-paying (obviously the path I had taken).

At this point, the dream ended, but I'm wondering if I'd have made it back to the wedding in time and what kind of fight I'd have had with the twin over the party when the wedding was over.
kybearfuzz: (Sharpening Claws)
No, not that kind of spanking...

When I was home last, I was sitting with Mom, who has started living more and more in the past. She was watching "Gunsmoke," an episode where Matt Dillon was trying to get some rest but was being constantly disturbed by others, including a juvenile delinquent who he ended up spanking. Mom asked me if she and my dad overdid it with the spanking.

It's a funny question because spanking was really the only punishment they doled out. I rarely gave them reason, my sister got less physical punishment because she was a girl, and my brother got the brunt because he was easily the most disobedient kid. While I don't necessarily disagree with a spanking, it's effectiveness is severely limited. My brother was so accustomed to it that it no longer bothered him. The spanking was an immediate punishment with no real aftermath, so he was free to do whatever he wanted to do after a very brief cooldown period.

The mistake my parents made in our punishments was that they lacked any psychological component or follow-up consequence. Spanking was easy and quick, a lazy punishment that really didn't correct the problem. Looking at it through an adult viewpoint, they really sucked at this.

Now, if they really wanted to punish my brother, they would have grounded him. The twin loved being outside and hanging out with his friends, which is why he was never within the neighborhood boundaries our parents set up when he was yelled for. If they had grounded him, blocked him from his social outlets, it would have absolutely destroyed him. This would have involved my parents not backing off and sticking to their guns, but the effect would have been profound on the twin I think. He'd have toed the line far more I think.

Conversely, the grounding would likely have destroyed me too, because the twin would have been pestering the $#!+ out of me who spent most my time indoors reading comic books and drawing. While I wouldn't have enjoyed it, I think I'd have lived with it to see the twin really catch it once for his misbehaving.
kybearfuzz: (Default)
It's been a really busy few days, mostly good and a hint of bad.

  • I took Friday off so I could jaunt down to Corbin to see my sister and my mom. Mom seems to have adjusted well to the nursing home. She has moments where she's not happy there, but others she where she's enjoying the company of the other ladies. My sister and I had a bitch-fest about my twin who hasn't visited Mom since Christmas. He lives in town, less than ten minutes from Mom, yet he does not want to visit. I'm not sure what his issues are, but I foresee me having it out with him soon over his behavior.


  • Saturday was my drive home. It was relatively uneventful. I got back to spend a few hours cleaning the house in anticipation of the arrival of Steve ([personal profile] rootbeer1).


  • Steve and I hung out for a few days, eating Skyline Chili multiple times and enjoying Graeter's Ice Cream. We did see "A Quiet Place" which was really good for a horror movie. We both agreed that sadly there was not enough shirtlessness on the part of bearded lead actor/director John Krasinski.


  • I was back in the office today and swamped. In the middle of the day, my sister texted me that the nursing home had sent Mom to the hospital, thinking that she's had another stroke. She had stopped talking and responding to people. The doctors believe that she's had a "mini-stroke," but I asked my sis if she though Mom had contracted another UTI, which caused a lot of her issues last year. They sent her back to the nursing home, as the doctors said that there wasn't anything else they could do. However, they did find out... she has another UTI. Hopefully, they can treat it and Mom will get closer to normal.


  • Tonight, I'm just exhausted, so it is just TV, watching the season finale of "Schitt's Creek" and reruns of "The Bionic Woman." I'm already looking forward to the weekend.


  • Lastly, but not least, happy birthday hugs to the somewhat invisible [profile] xianjessen ;)
kybearfuzz: (Dahhling!)
When I was growing up, there was a white foot locker with blue and red trim in my room. I suspect it was originally the foot locker my older brother Ron brought back from the air force, with a fancy paint job by Mom. Inside the foot locker was our family identity of sorts -- family photographs, birth certificates, marriage certificates, newspaper clippings, report cards, letters and postcards. I used to look through it all the time and every time I would find something new. I found my parents' marriage certificate, which was dated AFTER my sister's birth, so I knew they weren't hitched before. Mom tried to blow it off as a mistake of the date on the certificate, but I know better.

When Mom and Dad left the house, the twin put the foot locker in un-air conditioned storage building. When I found out, I raced over to the house to get the locker before the summer heat could destroy the family pictures, cursing my twin all the way for his stupidity. Because of the foot locker's size and weight, I bought a plastic tote and transferred everything to it.

The tote has been in my family room for years. I've slowly been organizing the photos whenever the mood strikes. Today, I decided to clean the tote out. With several accordion folders at the ready, I organized photos, school stuff, news clippings, letters, and even my old, OLD artwork. I probably could have done it in an hour, but nostalgia slows things down. I found a school photo that I don't recall. It has an odd greenish tint. My twin had one too, and I suspect that they had to retake the photos because of the color. Even after years of my repeatedly digging through these things, I'd never seen this photo.

One of the odder things I found was letters between my brother Ron and Mom from when Ron was briefly in the military. I also found letters between my mom and past family members and even an old boyfriend (pre-Dad by the date).

After several hours, I finished organizing things and the tote was empty. I have more organizing to do eventually, but they are in a smaller container and I can put the big tote to other uses. Eventually I plan on scanning everything and burning CD's or USB drives for everyone. It's a large undertaking, so it'll have to be after the holidays.
kybearfuzz: (2011 Pride Shirt)
Besides photographs, I don't have a lot in my house from my days as a kid. One of the things I have managed to keep is a small white, dingy teddy bear known in my childhood as "Littl'un," a hillbilly truncation of the name "Little One."

Mom and BrotherThe teddy bear has a history. In late December 1973 or very early January 1974, the twin decided to get into the stuff under the sink and drank bleach (or Brasso, the story has been told both ways) and was taken to the hospital. The twin was in the hospital for several days, spending our first birthday there. This pic is Mom and the twin at the hospital. The little bear in the photo was a gift to him while he was there.

After he came home from the hospital, he seemed to have no interest in the bear. So Mom and Dad gave him to me, starting my life-long interest in bears, starting with the teddy variety then seguing into the more human version as an adult. Every year until I was 16, my mom got me a teddy bear for Christmas. I had quite a collection for the longest time, including a giant blue and white one called "76," named after a gas station where my dad bought him. It was about this time, the little white bear garnered his name "Little One."

After I left for college, my teddy bear collection was put away. After I graduated, I moved to Cincinnati then Kansas City. Mom and Dad moved out of our old house because of Dad's health and the house fell into a horrible state. On one of my trips home from Kansas City, I collected a few things of mine from the house, including Littl'un to make sure nothing happened to him and he's been in my custody ever since.

When I had that nasty bout with blood clots a few years back, my sister and twin came up to see me at the hospital. They stayed at my house overnight and noticed Littl'un resting on the bed in the spare bedroom. They couldn't believe that I still had him. I can't imagine why they'd think I'd NOT have him.

He's more off-white, than white. His paws are worn. He is missing an eye, most of the nose, etc., but it's how I remember him from my childhood. He's been drooled on, peed on, dragged outside and back. In reality, he's probably a toxic wasteland of baby germs. I'd throw him in the wash, but I don't think his body would hold up to the agitation. I've given him a thorough dousing with Lysol though.

He's a huge part of my history. It's strange how we imbue inanimate objects with so much of our lives. Like a kid, I worry about his comfort, which is why is sleeps on the spare bed and not on a shelf. I'm happy he's still here with me.

Little One
Littlun in His Natural Habitat
kybearfuzz: (Santa Naughty)
Whew! I just got home. Overall, Christmas went very well back in my hometown. I'm still a bit wiped out from jumping from house to house as I usually do, but Mom was in fairly good spirits all things considered. What really made me laugh was unwrapping presents last night at the twin's house. My 8-year-old nephew Bradyn has a really smart mouth and it gets him in trouble with his parents. He comes by it honestly as the twin's mouth was (and is) pretty much the same way. Here are the two examples that left me laughing when I shouldn't have been:

The twin was getting irritated when my nephew was acting all hyper and huffy, so he told him to sit down on the couch next him.

The twin: Sit down! You sit down right here and don't you move! (The nephew complies reluctantly)
Twin's wife: (from the kitchen) Bradyn, come in the kitchen for a minute!
Nephew: (sarcastically) Caaaannnn't!

Later, after everyone had eaten and we'd unwrapped presents, I saw my nephew had gone to the kitchen and made himself some pop tarts. I've long learned to shrug my shoulders at anything he does, so I said nothing. His mom came by a moment later and made comment.

Twin's Wife: Bradyn! Why are you eating a pop tart??
Nephew: (insert eye roll here) I'm not eating A pop tart. I'm eating TWO pop tarts!

Yeah, my twin deserves every minute of this.

Merry Christmas everyone! :)
kybearfuzz: (Mornings Suck)
First, thanks for all the condolences and well-wishes from everyone. It really means a lot and I do appreciate them all.

I made it home over the weekend and was happy to do so. While I love my family dearly, having spent five days with them in a crowded hospital room was not the most comforting thing in the world. For a person who enjoys his personal space and solo time, it was nerve-wrecking in instances. I would walk out and just go hang out in the often-empty 3rd floor waiting room to recover. I spent most of the remaining weekend sleeping.

Our softball league end-of-the-season party was Sunday and I missed it. Honestly, I'd forgotten about it. A buddy posted on FB that I was awarded the "Best Team Player" award, which didn't mean I was the best player, but I think "Miss Congeniality" award, which I wear with pride. If you can't laugh at yourself screwing up, you've no business on the field in my book. I have no idea when I'll get the trophy, but I'll post a photo when I get it.

Today, I was late to work because I had a doctor's appointment that I'd scheduled weeks ago. It's with a new physician and I like him already. He seems very normal, very at ease and a good listener. Of course, I explained about losing my older brothers to cancer so he scheduled my first colonoscopy. Ummm... yay...? Not sure you'll see photos of that one, but it's necessary evil considering the family history. The twin had one a few weeks ago and the worst thing to come of it was his farting the rest of the day. I can hope to be so lucky.

Happy Monday all...
kybearfuzz: (Old Lady Shades)
Last night I had my weekly phone call with my mom. Among the ups and down of gloom, doom and sunshine she throws at me, she informed me that my twin and his young son were at Wally-World the other day. While walking through the aisle, my nephew saw a dorm fridge. He told his dad that he wanted it. My twin thought this was so cute that he bought it for him. When he got it home, my nephew went to the kitchen fridge, got his juice boxes, and put them in his own private fridge now humming away in his room.

"Isn't that cute?" Mom said.

"Mom, you mean that Joe bought him an $70 dorm fridge for his room? Mom, he's only four years old," I replied in a bit of astonishment.

"Oh I know, but Joe just thought it was so cute," she responded.

"Yeah... cute..," I replied, "I can't wait until he asks for a car when he's ten."

Now I've been chastised by some for casting my parental opinions before, even by my mom, especially since I'm both single AND gay. However, I'd like to think I'm entitled to an objective opinion despite the fact I've not bred. To me, the twin is caving to unrealistic demands of a child. Does he need his own personal fridge?? No, so why waste the money I'm always hearing he doesn't have. It's Joe's only kid, and he's obviously still under the new parent spell, wanting to do everything that makes his child happy. However, he needs to start using the word "No" as I fear he's slowly creating a spoiled monster.

And no, I don't think it's all that cute.

Mark at 38

Jan. 5th, 2011 10:05 am
kybearfuzz: (Default)
Ah, here we are again. Thanks so much to everyone who has wished me a happy birthday so far :)

I woke up at my usual time too, which really stinks when I've taken the week off and looked forward to sleeping in. Still, I did manage to get in a little bit more before the twin called at 7 AM to wish me a Happy Birthday.

January 5, 2011Thankfully, he didn't call at 12:01 AM like he usually does. I've been trying to cut down on the four-letter words and I'd hate to use up a year's supply in one phone call.

Normally, I'd recount some story about me and him, but this year nothing seemed to come to mind.

Last night, I was working on drawing a cartoon to post with today's entry, but I couldn't get anything to materialize on the pad.

I think the last couple of months of constant decision-making has burned me out. I took the week off to recharge the battery a bit. I'm also making a few changes to things that I'll post about later.

Hope everyone is having a grand day!
kybearfuzz: (Bill the Cat)
First, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I hope that everyone has traveled safely if they traveled and can unbutton their britches to relieve the pressure from eating way too much. I certainly know that feeling, thankfully. I've been to my hometown and back in the last two days. There have been a few fun little things happen over the days, which made it a great time.

Cut for brevity )

And it's good to be home after three hours of driving, two of which in the pouring rain. Work tomorrow. Hopefully an easy day.
kybearfuzz: (Opus Flying)
It's been a rough few days. The short story of it is this: my older brother Ronnie passed away on Wednesday from apparent complications to cancer. Funeral in Dalton, GA on Friday. Burial in Lily, KY today. Home finally just a few hours ago.

Mom's Five Kids - January 2000
Mom's Five Kids in January 2000 -- My brother Ronnie second from left


The rest of it is very long. I'm not sure why I'm typing the rest up, I think as a reference to me.

The rest of it -- cut for the uninterested )
kybearfuzz: (Me_2ndGrade)
Normally for our birthday, I would recount something the twin and I did together. This past birthday I came up empty so I left it alone, but was reminded by something in the car on the way to work this morning, something I was afraid I'd forget by next year. So here it is...

Mark, Joe & the Flatulent Granny -- Cut for the uninterested )
kybearfuzz: (Evil Twin)
Big thanks and hugs to everyone who emailed, LJ-posted, IM'd, and called me to wish me a happy birthday. It means a lot to know you guys thought of me. You guys are great! I'll also throw out a big birthday hug to [livejournal.com profile] coachbear who shares my birthday too :)

Usually, I recount something about the twin and me on our birthday. I'm thankful he didn't call right after midnight last night like he usually does. To quote him, "well, if you only curse me out once a year, that's pretty good."

This year, I'll post about video games.

Text and Toon behind the cut, cut for the uninterested )
kybearfuzz: (Default)
Yarn throwing with my nephew
The Twin and the Nephew

Just to note, the photo is crooked, not the house.

While visiting Mom yesterday, the twin and my nephew Bradyn stopped by. I'm still amazed how well behaved for the most part my nephew can be. Considering the wild hellion my twin was as a kid, it just seems like he's getting off too easy in the kid department. My sister is envious, not that her's was that bad.

To keep Bradyn occupied, Mom and Joe grabbed her balls of yarn and were throwing them about her place. I managed to snap a few photos, but I liked this one best as Bradyn is about to nail me with the red one.

Later that night, I went over to Joe's house to see him and Bradyn again. It seems that the twin's young'un (hey, I'm in Corbin again... in the holler...) hasn't quite figured out that throwing soft things and hard things aren't the same. He got in a bit of trouble throwing his giant Leggo blocks at the dog.

It's fun to watch the twin learning to be a parent along with his son learning not to throw hard objects.
kybearfuzz: (Evil Twin)
One of the big projects I plan to do sometime is to scan in family pictures and give copies of the CD's to my family. I'm the unofficial family historian of sorts. I was looking around the other day and found the aged Polaroids of my and the twin’s second birthday.

Me, Joe, and Rhonda in January 1975
Me, Joe the Twin, and Our Sister Rhonda


Another Polaroid Shot of Us )

To this day, I am amazed that my mom held it together with three small children in the house at the same time, each driving the other crazy on a daily basis. Even more amazing I’m surprised that we’re not wearing that cake in the picture (or maybe we were after the Polaroid photo was snapped).

Hard to believe that was 31 years ago today. Eek, that means the twin and I are now …. *gasp* … 33!

Unlike my older brothers Donnie and Ronnie (yes, they’re identical twins), Joe and I never exhibited the unusual psychic twin stuff. While the older two could often read each other’s thoughts, know when one was hurt, and speak same sentences at the same time (they are creepy sometimes), Joe and I were very different. However, it was like having an in-house partner-in-crime.

Among our hi-jinks )

Hmmm.. maybe Joe is the evil twin…
kybearfuzz: (Default)
Wondertwin Powers... Activate!


What can I say? I’m 32 today… and I didn’t turn it alone!

I’ve made several references in my posts regarding the "twin." I put together this quickie collage to satisfy those who have often wondered what he looks like, as you can see we’re not identical. Joe (the twin) and I do not have rhyming names, we do not dress alike (anymore) and we’re happily as opposite as night and day. We always have been, despite numerous attempts by parent and relatives to dress and influence us otherwise. Joe and I were born on this day, within three minutes of each other (I often refer to him as my former "wombmate"), and people have always expected us to be the same.

Strangely enough, Mom wasn't sure she was having twins with us. Because of the orientation of our positions in the womb, the doctor couldn't give her and Dad a sure evaluation. It was 1973, technology wasn't what it is today. According to Mom, the nurses were literally taking monetary bets on whether there were two of us or not in the delivery room. She says when Joe appeared after me, there was alot of screams because some of the nurses just made some money (and some just lost). We were also the young doctor's first set of twins he'd every delivered. He is still Mom's doctor today and reminds her of that.

When growing up, we fought more than got along, mostly because we had little in common other than family. We do much better as adults. I’ve gone through the differences for those interested parties.

Night and Day )

Despite our differences, we do get along and I love him dearly. Even though the goofy shit called me at 12:01 AM to wish me a Happy Birthday, even after I told him not to do it. Big happy birthday to my "little” brother (aka "The Golden Child”).

Update: Revenge is sweet. I called the twin to wish him a happy birthday this morning... at 4:30 AM.

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