Four Fabulous Years, Part II
Jan. 18th, 2007 10:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kybearfuzzOn the drive back to my office today, I had time to think about my last entry about coming out to my sister. I shouldn't have cliffhangers, I guess, as I'm likely to forget to continue things for next year's anniversary. So, just for the interested parties, here is the rest of the story with my coming out to the twin.
The rest of Saturday after my morning revelation to my sister was euphoric. I had stepped out on the branch and it hadn't broken. It was a great relief to me, one giant leap forward in my grand master plan to be happy. I was looking forward to my next session with Jan the Counselor just to tell her about it. I don't recall what I did the rest of that Saturday.
Sunday morning found me packing my bags and getting ready to leave like I routinely do on my weekends to my hometown. I stayed in my twin's spare room in those days. Joe the twin was sitting in his lazy boy recliner watching the Golf Channel as I was ready to walk out the door. Riding high on the previous day's event, I decided to try for two. At least if he blew up over it, I was on my way out anyway, I thought.
I had chosen Rhonda first because I figured she would be the easiest. I didn't chose Joe for the exact opposite reason. I figured he'd be the hardest. Growing up in a small KY town imparted some unsavory opinions about minorities. I freely admit that I told my share of jokes about black people as a kid, a fact of which I am greatly ashamed. After going to college with a large black student body, I grew up a great deal and realized how terrible I had been in some regards as a child. Joe, while not much for telling black jokes, was never shy about telling jokes about gays. I recall a statement he'd made once, saying he wished all fags would just be put on an island and bombed. That statement stuck in my head, even in my closeted state. I don't mean to make Joe sound like a monster. He's actually very likable with a personality that can win most people over in a heartbeat. In our small Baptist town from hell, anyone the least bit different from the local white, straight norms was a target for jokes and ridicule. Joe fit in with the masses there and was fully accepted. He had never encountered anyone so drastically different from himself... or so he thought.
So back to the doorway, the recliner, and the Golf Channel, I decided to go for broke and give him the news. Joe had stood up from the chair as I was about to leave and I told him that I needed to tell him something important. Unlike Rhonda, I was a bit more direct with Joe. I started with the same line of questions, beginning with the "how many girls had I dated... blah blah blah?" Joe responded with the same answer as Rhonda. I told him that there was a very good reason for that. Joe was blank, I read nothing and I'm fairly good at reading people.
I told him point blank, "I don't date girls... because .. I like guys..."
He was genuinely stunned I think. So much so, he actually had to sit down. He honestly had no idea, which I found odd. Rhonda fully admitted she had at least wondered.
I asked him if he ever suspected that I was gay, even once. Joe's reply shocked me even more:
"No, I just figured you'd marry the first girl you slept with..."
That was a bitterly precious moment of irony. In the twin's mind, I was a pathetic straight man who would be lucky to get hitched to the first homely girl who would put out for me. It really never occurred to him, even once, that I might not like girls in the first place.
Most people think twins are naturally very close. My older brothers, who are identical twins, are extremely attached to each other. My twin and I were the other extreme, so far apart that one didn't even guess the other was gay, despite years of evidence right in front of him. It was this moment that I realized that people put together the pieces of the puzzle about me in the arrangement that make them most comfortable. In the twin's mind, this was the best fit.
I told Joe that I wasn't attracted to skinny, feminine men, but was attracted to guys that were burly and furry. I thought this might ease him a bit.
He told me, "Well, I don't think it's right..."
I wanted to engage him in a constructive argument to determine why he felt this way. I told him instead that after years of being alone, of not dating, of not being happy that I didn't care how he felt it was. I told him it wasn't wrong, it was just different to the way he thought about it.
He replied, "Okay.. well, it's okay then for you... but for no one else."
"You realize that you just eliminated my entire dating pool there, don't you?" I asked.
He said that he just needed to think about it. I told him okay and that he can call Rhonda to discuss it as I had told her the day before. I also asked him not to tell Mom, that I'd tell her the next time I was in town and in my own way. I packed up the car and drove to my mom's place like usual. After I got there, I called Rhonda and told her how the morning had gone. She was surprised and I warned her that Joe would likely be calling. Rhonda and Joe are closer than Joe and I are. Having an ally is a good thing in these situations.
After I got home, I got a call from Rhonda. During my three-hour drive back, she and Joe had already gotten together to discuss things. Juicy gossip, remember? Rhonda told me that Joe had many questions about me, and most were actually positive. I think Rhonda set him straight on things (no pun intended). Rhonda said that Joe told her that he was worried I would have a rough life ahead of me. That made me feel good, that for the most part he was worried more of how I would handle things and be treated by others.
To date, Joe and I have not discussed it further. He doesn't treat me any differently than he ever did, at least no worse. Since his becoming a dad for the first time, he seems to want to see me more. He never asks me anything about my social life, but he is interested. When I don't come home for a couple of months or more, he'll call Rhonda and ask if I was seeing someone, someone who is occupying my time. Sadly, there isn't, but it's nice to know he's curious at least indirectly about my life.
When I do find that special guy, the guy I'd take to meet my family, it will be.. interesting.. to say the least. I'll definitely have to give my future partner fair warning before dragging him back to my hometown.
The rest of Saturday after my morning revelation to my sister was euphoric. I had stepped out on the branch and it hadn't broken. It was a great relief to me, one giant leap forward in my grand master plan to be happy. I was looking forward to my next session with Jan the Counselor just to tell her about it. I don't recall what I did the rest of that Saturday.
Sunday morning found me packing my bags and getting ready to leave like I routinely do on my weekends to my hometown. I stayed in my twin's spare room in those days. Joe the twin was sitting in his lazy boy recliner watching the Golf Channel as I was ready to walk out the door. Riding high on the previous day's event, I decided to try for two. At least if he blew up over it, I was on my way out anyway, I thought.
I had chosen Rhonda first because I figured she would be the easiest. I didn't chose Joe for the exact opposite reason. I figured he'd be the hardest. Growing up in a small KY town imparted some unsavory opinions about minorities. I freely admit that I told my share of jokes about black people as a kid, a fact of which I am greatly ashamed. After going to college with a large black student body, I grew up a great deal and realized how terrible I had been in some regards as a child. Joe, while not much for telling black jokes, was never shy about telling jokes about gays. I recall a statement he'd made once, saying he wished all fags would just be put on an island and bombed. That statement stuck in my head, even in my closeted state. I don't mean to make Joe sound like a monster. He's actually very likable with a personality that can win most people over in a heartbeat. In our small Baptist town from hell, anyone the least bit different from the local white, straight norms was a target for jokes and ridicule. Joe fit in with the masses there and was fully accepted. He had never encountered anyone so drastically different from himself... or so he thought.
So back to the doorway, the recliner, and the Golf Channel, I decided to go for broke and give him the news. Joe had stood up from the chair as I was about to leave and I told him that I needed to tell him something important. Unlike Rhonda, I was a bit more direct with Joe. I started with the same line of questions, beginning with the "how many girls had I dated... blah blah blah?" Joe responded with the same answer as Rhonda. I told him that there was a very good reason for that. Joe was blank, I read nothing and I'm fairly good at reading people.
I told him point blank, "I don't date girls... because .. I like guys..."
He was genuinely stunned I think. So much so, he actually had to sit down. He honestly had no idea, which I found odd. Rhonda fully admitted she had at least wondered.
I asked him if he ever suspected that I was gay, even once. Joe's reply shocked me even more:
"No, I just figured you'd marry the first girl you slept with..."
That was a bitterly precious moment of irony. In the twin's mind, I was a pathetic straight man who would be lucky to get hitched to the first homely girl who would put out for me. It really never occurred to him, even once, that I might not like girls in the first place.
Most people think twins are naturally very close. My older brothers, who are identical twins, are extremely attached to each other. My twin and I were the other extreme, so far apart that one didn't even guess the other was gay, despite years of evidence right in front of him. It was this moment that I realized that people put together the pieces of the puzzle about me in the arrangement that make them most comfortable. In the twin's mind, this was the best fit.
I told Joe that I wasn't attracted to skinny, feminine men, but was attracted to guys that were burly and furry. I thought this might ease him a bit.
He told me, "Well, I don't think it's right..."
I wanted to engage him in a constructive argument to determine why he felt this way. I told him instead that after years of being alone, of not dating, of not being happy that I didn't care how he felt it was. I told him it wasn't wrong, it was just different to the way he thought about it.
He replied, "Okay.. well, it's okay then for you... but for no one else."
"You realize that you just eliminated my entire dating pool there, don't you?" I asked.
He said that he just needed to think about it. I told him okay and that he can call Rhonda to discuss it as I had told her the day before. I also asked him not to tell Mom, that I'd tell her the next time I was in town and in my own way. I packed up the car and drove to my mom's place like usual. After I got there, I called Rhonda and told her how the morning had gone. She was surprised and I warned her that Joe would likely be calling. Rhonda and Joe are closer than Joe and I are. Having an ally is a good thing in these situations.
After I got home, I got a call from Rhonda. During my three-hour drive back, she and Joe had already gotten together to discuss things. Juicy gossip, remember? Rhonda told me that Joe had many questions about me, and most were actually positive. I think Rhonda set him straight on things (no pun intended). Rhonda said that Joe told her that he was worried I would have a rough life ahead of me. That made me feel good, that for the most part he was worried more of how I would handle things and be treated by others.
To date, Joe and I have not discussed it further. He doesn't treat me any differently than he ever did, at least no worse. Since his becoming a dad for the first time, he seems to want to see me more. He never asks me anything about my social life, but he is interested. When I don't come home for a couple of months or more, he'll call Rhonda and ask if I was seeing someone, someone who is occupying my time. Sadly, there isn't, but it's nice to know he's curious at least indirectly about my life.
When I do find that special guy, the guy I'd take to meet my family, it will be.. interesting.. to say the least. I'll definitely have to give my future partner fair warning before dragging him back to my hometown.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-01-19 03:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-19 02:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-19 03:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-19 07:25 am (UTC)Now find that bf and introduce him to them all, so that we get another set of stories :)
no subject
Date: 2007-01-19 02:10 pm (UTC)And I'm sure my BF introduction in the future will be post-worthy. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-01-19 09:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-19 02:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-19 10:43 am (UTC)I'll definitely have to give my future partner fair warning before dragging him back to my hometown.
I think that's the case for most people, no matter where you come from - lol.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-19 02:12 pm (UTC)Awesome Story!!
Date: 2007-01-19 11:46 am (UTC)People reject gay people when they perceive them as weak and ashamed. Most people respect others who stand up for who they are.
I am so excited for you!
BIG HUG!!
E
Re: Awesome Story!!
Date: 2007-01-19 02:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-19 01:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-19 02:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-19 03:41 pm (UTC)I have 3 sisters but the middle one no one ever hears from (which is fine with us). I came out to the other two and neither one cared at all. The only relative who has had any issue is my mom who is very Catholic. (Tho I'm not out to a majority of my family for no reason other than it's never had a reason to come up -- I've never been dating anyone either. Gee, too bad you're not closer. ;) ) When I came out to my older sister, who is the more conservative, I was a little nervous. When I told her, she started laughing, which totally threw me. She told me she had figured it out years before as she had known a lot of gay guys in college. (She's 18 years older than me.) I then (jokingly) yelled at her for not telling me earlier then when I was trying to figure things out.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-19 10:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-22 04:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-22 12:52 pm (UTC)