Two Years Gay and Going Strong...
Jan. 21st, 2005 10:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kybearfuzzI'm in a pretty good mood despite the crappy winter weather and questionable driving conditions.
I was chatting a bit on line last night and someone asked me how long I've been out. It dawned on me that it has been exactly two years this month. I'd forgotten as time seems to go so fast. It's a decision I've never regretted, in fact it lifted a huge burden of oppression from shoulders.
My life as a closeted Baptist gay man was one of great loneliness. I never dated anyone, male or female. Males were out of the question and I always felt like if I got too close to a girl, she'd figure it out and tell the world. All of this happening while looking at myself in the mirror wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I thought it was a phase, I thought I was confused. I prayed about it, read magazine articles about changing your orientation, etc. All a bunch of crap, at least as I know now.
January 5th, 2003. I turned the dreaded 30. I was a grown adult, owned my own house, had a good career. I came home to two cats every night and had no social life outside of work. My grandmother would always ask about the cats because "that's all you've got to ask about." Granny could be cruel in some respects. I blame her medication, my mom blames her inbreeding. This was dad's mom if you haven't figured that out. Finally I decided to look into the mirror and admit it finally. "I'm Gay".. without the resounding microphone that Ellen got to use when telling the world on her sitcom. It still resounded in my ears and I got butterflies in my stomach. The next thought was one of confusion, what the heck do I do about that now?
No decadent sex orgy or anything like that, though the thought did cross my mind. Years of repressed sexual desire will illicit thoughts like that. I was terrified of telling my family, but didn't want them to hear through someone else that I'd been caught kissing a man in public or something. The mind conjures up so many horrid scenarios. I decided to see a counselor. My office uses the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) to help employees deal with stress of any kind. I figured this qualified. I called and set up an appointment with a gay/lesbian issue counselor. Her name was Jan.
Jan appears somewhat conservative and mousy, which worried me at first. During our first visit she told me about her kids, one of whom was a ne'er-do-well. All I could think of was if she couldn't control her own kids, how is she going to help me? Our first visit was dealing with paperwork. As I was getting ready to leave and hadn't told her a single thing regarding why I was there. I finally told her, knowing that she was legally bound to keep her yap shut if this turned out to be a grand mistake, that I was gay. "I know" she replied. I just looked at her in amazement. It's not like I was wearing a feather boa and singing Judy Garland tunes (not that I have those anyway). She said that she had figured it out in my responses to questions. I immediately liked her.. and I had said it out loud to another person. Stepping stone number one accomplished.
We had three more visits where Jan told me to tell a close relative, then to put myself in gay social circles and even suggested places like Carols on Main and Hamburger Mary's. Both of which are cool places. I went on my first date to both. At the conclusion of our fourth visit, Jan told me that she didn't need me to come back. In her words, I was the "sanest person she sees." Jan must have a hard client load then. She was right though. I finally felt pretty good about things. My family hadn't balked, my friends were all cool with it, and I finally started dating -- first kisses and first other things too. My age made little difference, still felt like an awkward teenager, but at least I was old enough to consent to sex. :D
It's been a steep learning curve over the two years, but a journey well worth doing. I've made some grand friends, in person and online. I enjoy movies more, like certain comedians or singers or books I wouldn't have admitted to before. Life, despite it's current crappy weather and idiots out driving around, is pretty good.
I was chatting a bit on line last night and someone asked me how long I've been out. It dawned on me that it has been exactly two years this month. I'd forgotten as time seems to go so fast. It's a decision I've never regretted, in fact it lifted a huge burden of oppression from shoulders.
My life as a closeted Baptist gay man was one of great loneliness. I never dated anyone, male or female. Males were out of the question and I always felt like if I got too close to a girl, she'd figure it out and tell the world. All of this happening while looking at myself in the mirror wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I thought it was a phase, I thought I was confused. I prayed about it, read magazine articles about changing your orientation, etc. All a bunch of crap, at least as I know now.
January 5th, 2003. I turned the dreaded 30. I was a grown adult, owned my own house, had a good career. I came home to two cats every night and had no social life outside of work. My grandmother would always ask about the cats because "that's all you've got to ask about." Granny could be cruel in some respects. I blame her medication, my mom blames her inbreeding. This was dad's mom if you haven't figured that out. Finally I decided to look into the mirror and admit it finally. "I'm Gay".. without the resounding microphone that Ellen got to use when telling the world on her sitcom. It still resounded in my ears and I got butterflies in my stomach. The next thought was one of confusion, what the heck do I do about that now?
No decadent sex orgy or anything like that, though the thought did cross my mind. Years of repressed sexual desire will illicit thoughts like that. I was terrified of telling my family, but didn't want them to hear through someone else that I'd been caught kissing a man in public or something. The mind conjures up so many horrid scenarios. I decided to see a counselor. My office uses the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) to help employees deal with stress of any kind. I figured this qualified. I called and set up an appointment with a gay/lesbian issue counselor. Her name was Jan.
Jan appears somewhat conservative and mousy, which worried me at first. During our first visit she told me about her kids, one of whom was a ne'er-do-well. All I could think of was if she couldn't control her own kids, how is she going to help me? Our first visit was dealing with paperwork. As I was getting ready to leave and hadn't told her a single thing regarding why I was there. I finally told her, knowing that she was legally bound to keep her yap shut if this turned out to be a grand mistake, that I was gay. "I know" she replied. I just looked at her in amazement. It's not like I was wearing a feather boa and singing Judy Garland tunes (not that I have those anyway). She said that she had figured it out in my responses to questions. I immediately liked her.. and I had said it out loud to another person. Stepping stone number one accomplished.
We had three more visits where Jan told me to tell a close relative, then to put myself in gay social circles and even suggested places like Carols on Main and Hamburger Mary's. Both of which are cool places. I went on my first date to both. At the conclusion of our fourth visit, Jan told me that she didn't need me to come back. In her words, I was the "sanest person she sees." Jan must have a hard client load then. She was right though. I finally felt pretty good about things. My family hadn't balked, my friends were all cool with it, and I finally started dating -- first kisses and first other things too. My age made little difference, still felt like an awkward teenager, but at least I was old enough to consent to sex. :D
It's been a steep learning curve over the two years, but a journey well worth doing. I've made some grand friends, in person and online. I enjoy movies more, like certain comedians or singers or books I wouldn't have admitted to before. Life, despite it's current crappy weather and idiots out driving around, is pretty good.
