The Passing of Fathers

[kybearfuzz]

I just got an email from a coworker to inform me that a former coworker who retired several years ago passed away from cancer this morning. Mr. C. had been sick for a long time and we had gotten accustomed to the periodic updates on him, most delivered with a fair sense of humor, though we knew the cancer was progressing. I had known him for years, done work trips with him, and found him to be a jovial guy for the most part. His wife passed away soon after his retirement and he leaves behind two 20-something daughters.

The news hit me harder than I had expected, I thought of my own dad, and then I remembered the date. Today is May 18th. My dad passed away 11 years ago today.


Dad and the Twins, 1973
While Dad made me laugh far more often than he made me cry, I can’t say that we had a perfect father-son relationship. He always seemed to favor the twin, the jock, to me, the nerd. He wasn’t mean about it, but I suspect he didn’t know how to relate to me and the end result was an odd estrangement. He tried to get me to do things, like sports, that just weren’t interesting to me. Drawing and comic books were not interesting to him. Then one day he had a stroke and things changed. Then over the years he got worse and things changed along the way too. Eventually, things got as worse as they could before he slipped away during an early May 18th morning while his family literally slept around him in a hospital room.

It’s strange how time makes such a life-altering event fade. Well, maybe the event itself doesn’t, but the details get fuzzy. I remember how strange it felt to have such a constant figure in my life suddenly disappear. I remember feeling an odd sense of relief that his own medical ordeal was over. There was peace for him and for those he left behind.

The funeral was oddly entertaining. Friends and family came out of the woodwork to the funeral home, telling stories of things he had done to teachers in school, to friends at work, to my own mom. A constant jester playing for the yucks of the crowds, there was far more laughter in the chapel that day than tears.

The date that Dad died took less and less meaning over the years. The first year we all remembered it, maybe even the next two or three. Slowly May 18th lost the painful memories attached to it and returned to being just another day on the passing calendar. We all remember his birthday, my sister even uses it as the lock code on her iPhone. Mom always makes a point of reminding us as it usually falls close to Thanksgiving if not on that day.

In reading the email again, I fight back the urge to tear up. I feel for Mr. C.’s two girls. Losing their dad so soon after their mom and being so young will mean they will have to mature a bit faster than most. They’ll remember this date as it rolls around for the next several years I suspect, but I hope that eventually the date fades for them and they remember happier dates for their dad. I do for mine.

Comments

[barak.livejournal.com]

Big hugs for you.

I was thinking about and missing my parents the other day too. Some television show was on and they had characters saying "the grief goes away after a while".

I disagree- the grief of losing a parent never goes away even with time. You just learn how to cope with the pain better as time passes.

I don't focus so much on the fact that I can't talk to them anymore. "Gosh, I wish Mom were here to..." or "Dad, I could really talk to you about..." Regret leads more to the other memories, like "Remember the time when ..." that evokes the other memories.

However, I AM angry that my niece and nephew will never get to know how wonderful their grandparents were... and sad that its my job to tell them how much they would have loved each other.

[mikiedoggie.livejournal.com]

It is not easy losing a parent. I think, whatever lies in store for us after we die, for those of us here it is important to keep our loved ones in our hearts and remember them. I think that, in and of itself, is a form of immortality.

Huge hugs to you today.

[martini-tim.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, Mark. My dad died 18 years ago, just two days after Christmas. Just like you, I felt it strongly for the first few years, and then the feelings faded. Christmas still reminds me of my father, but the holiday is a happy time again.

[prisoncitybear.livejournal.com]

I don't know what to say after reading this except for I am sorry for what you went through and thanks for sharing.
T

[texwriterbear.livejournal.com]

Big hugs Mark.

[bigfundrew.livejournal.com]

Good post, sir.

[spikejrt.livejournal.com]

it'll be 30 years May 30th since my dad died... as the years pass, I hold on tighter & tighter to the memories I have of him... many have faded, but others are as vivid as yesterday

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing this tribute to your dad.

Hugs ....

[labeartorycub.livejournal.com]

Thank you for a beautiful tribute to your dad, and I love the photograph. Sorry about your coworker's dad, too.

Big HUGS from the pocket bear.

[boomerz1.livejournal.com]

Big, sympathetic hugs. I lost my own dad just over ten years ago after a long illness and every so often things come out of the sidelines that shake you up again. Thank you for sharing this.

[snowboardjoe.livejournal.com]

I have to say that such posts like this remind me of how lucky I've been to have my parents still around and doing great (I still have a Grandma going strong at 98).

When I do hear about the loss of a parent, I immediately go back to my college days. A fraternity brother lost his mom to a brain aneurism--she just collapsed instantly. The funeral left me crying like a baby for some time. I called mom and dad later that night and teared up again.

You know if I could be there right now I would give you a big bear hug. :)