Friday Funny

[kybearfuzz]

For those of us who have pets, here's a funny I found at the secretary's desk. It's work-safe and behind the cut for length.

A Letter to the Pets

As Posted Very Low on the Refrigerator Door...

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mind and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that esthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to the turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

1. They live here. You don't.
   
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"-niture.
   
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
   
4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted children who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. eat less,
   
2. don't ask for money all the time,
   
3. are easier to train,
   
4. normally come when called,
   
5. never ask to drive the car,
   
6. don't smoke or drink,
   
7. don't want to wear your clothes,
   
8. don't have to buy the latest fashions,
   
9. don't need a gazillion dollars for college and,
   
10. if they get pregnant, you can sell their children...

Comments

[mikiedoggie.livejournal.com]

I agree with all of it! Pets rule, humans drool!

[kybearfuzz.livejournal.com]

Murphy has always agreed with this. Maggie refrains from comment as she cannot be bothered with trivial human issues.

[dendren.livejournal.com]

LOL... so much truth here. I love the "if they get pregnant you can sell their children" LOL

[kybearfuzz.livejournal.com]

Heh... it's pure evil.. I love it. :)

[jkusters]

don't want to wear your clothes

Empirical evidence with my own (dearly departed) dog suggests this one may not be entirely true. She loved to sneak clothing out of the hamper to roll about on them. If she could do up the buttons, I'm sure she would have worn them... :-)

[epinoid.livejournal.com]

I concur. Both of our cats take over clothes and burrow and nestle in them when they can. My departed kitty Ian would take clothes or blankets and drag them all over the house.

That said - this is awesome!!!