Six Years and Going...

[kybearfuzz]

Admiring the Non-Standard Beauty
The above toon really has little to do with the entry directly. I just doodled it last night for fun (and after a visit to the gym yesterday).

It is difficult to believe it's been six years since I decided to leave Ye Olde Closet. It doesn't seem that long ago and yet it seems like forever. So many experiences, so many yet to have.

Years ago, when I was in college, I told myself that realistically I didn't need to be rich to be happy. I told myself I'd be happy if I ended up with a decent job, a roof over my head, and a few bucks in the bank. That was it. No real dreams about winning the lottery or launching into some high paying profession. In looking at myself at 36, I realize that I have all of those things already. In fact, I've had them for years. This stability was what made me ready to come out, I think.

The surprising part of the wish I made back then is that it didn't include anything about having anyone special in my life. It never even occurred to me that this element was not present until I came out. I am guessing that since I didn't date in high school or college, I may have unconsciously thought that this avenue was somewhat closed to me.

In high school, my social outlet dealt mainly with friends and family, but did not involve anything in the romance department. My twin and sister fared pretty well in this department. While the sis was out with her boyfriend, the twin was barraged with the endless parade of ditzy girls calling the house at all hours of the night. We had our home phone number changed three times because of this. Seriously, the girls were dumb, seeing how they couldn't tell time. The only girl who seemed interested in me in high school ended up pregnant by our senior year, and I can promise you that I didn't do it.

Fear kept me from even attempting the dating scene, and honestly I felt that I had little to offer a girl, seeing I had no car, no money, and some fairly crushing family obligations. It sometimes got a bit lonely in the shadows of my popular and socially-accepted siblings (and any of you divas who starts singing "Wind Beneath My Wings" will get strangled by your feather boa before you hit the high notes *evil grin*).

In college, all of my close friends dated, including my roommate who was quite the hottie, garnering much attention from the female student body. Interest in me from the female population, as much as I was aware of it, boiled down to four ladies. The first was a strange girl who waited tables with me at Boone Tavern who grabbed my pec when I was dressed as a pirate for Halloween. I think it was the outfit as her interest waned after that. The second was a very sweet young woman whose brother lived in my dorm. She tried several times to get my attention, but I was clueless and never recognized these attempts for what they were until years later. The third was a single mom who worked with me at the library who made a very strange comment one day about how much she liked my hair. It was awkward for both of us and she never brought it up again. The last was one the roommate of the wife of my best college buddy. She was someone who wrote me often after we graduated, long letters and such, which eventually tapered off. When I saw at a homecoming weekend some years ago on campus, she was newly married and looking amazing, I congratulated her on her marriage and she responded a bit tersely, "well, I waited for you as long as I could."

It feels odd to admit, but I really do feel like life began for me at 30. Dating is still something of a challenge, as I never thought I'd go six years without finding a boyfriend, especially after seeing some guys go through a rotating door of partners/boyfriends/"the one." When asked by online folks why I'm single, I find the answer evades me. Am I too picky? I don't think so, but I do believe that a certain amount of chemistry has to be there for serious dating.

I am still very oblivious to when I'm being cruised, preferring I think that the guy be looking at me through a pair of binoculars while waiving sparklers or a giant foam finger in the air while wearing a sign that says, "Hey, I think you're cute!" around his neck. The sign can have glitter too. If the guy did that though, it would surely be posted here, annotated with a story about how I ran from this person and prayed he wasn't looking at me through the windows from the woods behind my house. Still, those casual glances in restaurants or at the gym are nice and it feels good to wonder if they are from his momentary interest in more than my hat, my gym bag or my iPod.

I made no resolutions this year, but I am going to try to date with a more open mind. You never know when the next guy who may be so-so at first look may be something of a diamond in the rough, still valuable, but just slightly rugged. Mmmmmm... rugged....

Six years ago, I came out of the closet, and I feel like I finally climbed out of what I thought of as the social shadows of other people. Despite some dating ups and downs, it feels really good to be casting one of my own.

Comments

[kybearfuzz.livejournal.com]

Oh I always knew, but it is the admitting to myself part that took a long time.

Hit the "anniversary" tag to this entry and you can see the other entries, which outlined the coming out events for me.