Four Fabulous Years
Jan. 16th, 2007 10:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kybearfuzzIt's amazing how fast the time can go when you're having a good time. This month marks not only my birthday, but also the day I let the closet door fly open. Birth and rebirth so to speak. My only regret is that I didn't mark the exact date when I admitted to myself that I was a flaming 'mo. While driving in the snow today, I pondered what story I'd recall for my fourth anniversary. I had quite a few to choose from, but I picked the first time I ever told someone I cared about my dirty, wonderful secret identity.
I wish I remembered the exact date in January 2003, but I do recall it was a Saturday while on a trip back to my hometown. I had told Jan the Counselor about wanting to come out of the closet. Per her instructions, I was to choose one family member and reveal all to him or her. This was no small feat as I had read the horror stories of how gay people had been treated terribly by their own family, being rejected and abandoned, which filled me with a dread I cannot describe in words. However, I had started this journey well-informed and I was willing to take the chance of that happening and dealing with it accordingly.
Of my close family (my mom, my sister, and the twin), I selected my sister Rhonda. She and I had always been close and had grown closer as adults. Rhonda was a huge Will & Grace fan and thought Jack McFarland had hung the moon (or at least had dated it extensively). She had mentioned once that she wished she had a Jack-type friend. Given this information, I figured my sister would be more likely to be able to handle the news.
At the time, my sister was working as an assistant office manager at one of those check-cashing places. I had always hated those places, but it paid well while she looked for something else. On Saturday, she would be working by herself and she and I could be alone. So I went there that morning and found Rhonda was terribly bored as usual. The standard chit-chat ensued, asking about how things were going at work, how the nephew was doing, griping about Mom, etc.
Every time I thought I had brought the energy to tell her, a customer would walk in causing a distraction and my courage would deflate. While she helped a customer, I stared out the window, looking at the young recruits at the Army Recruiting Station being drilled in the parking lot. It was still winter, but warm enough for the young muscled guys and stocky men to go about in long sleeve tee-shirts. They did jumping jacks in formation while a young, buzz-cut officer barked orders. I couldn't hear the words, but the meaning was very apparent. Finally, there was a long enough lull in the business for Rhonda and I to have a serious talk.
I sat Rhonda down and explained that I had something very important to talk to her about. She was a bit nervous as we rarely had overly serious talks about me (but often about her). I searched long and hard for the words to say, thinking that "I'm gay" seemed too direct and it was still difficult to say at this point. I started by asking her how many girls I had dated in high school and college. She replied that she didn't recall any and I told her that was correct. I told her that there was a very good reason for that. My voice cracked a bit, I remember, and my eyes began to tear up a bit. This was the moment, no interruptions and no excuses, I was committed. If I backed off now, she'd be more confused than anything and I had no backup story for cover. Rhonda looked worried as I searched for the words. Finally, the buzzer went off on how to tell her and it came spilling out...
"You've always said you wanted a Jack-type friend. How would you feel about having a Jack-type brother?"
She was visibly stunned, but smiled as the realization of my question sunk in. The pressure gone, I finally told her that I liked men and not women. She wasn't running from the room screaming or telling me to leave in disgust. Though these scenarios were unlikely, they had me worried nonetheless. However, in her silence, I felt the urge to keep talking and elaborating. I started explaining that I had always been this way, but had tried to hide it and had apparently done a poor job considering how often I'd been taunted in high school. I told her that I didn't like the "Jack McFarland" clones, but were attracted to burly men. She surprised me by saying that she was also interested in furry men too. She rattled off many hot male celebrities and I gave her my thumbs up or down on them. Rhonda likes Brad Pitt, I don't. I told her about Jeremy Piven, she asked who he was (this was 2003, before his Entourage fame). I stated that Al from Home Improvement made me weak in the knees, she started to get the picture of the kind of man I liked. For the first time in my life, I talked about boys like my brother talked about girls. It was fun.
I asked Rhonda if she had ever suspected I was gay. She said that on occasion, she had wondered, but had never really given it any real consideration. I explained that I had not dated a man yet and wanted to out myself to her, Mom and the twin before pursuing the search for a compatible bear. This statement opened up the next discussion, how and when do I tell Mom and the twin. While I didn't at the time know when, I felt I had made a valuable ally in this. My sister could smooth things over when I left town if things went bad and answer awkward questions if things went okay. I swore my sister to secrecy, asking her not to reveal this to anyone as it was my decision to tell anyone.
Later, I learned that swearing her to secrecy meant that she would keep it quiet from everyone except her husband, the ladies of her inner circle of friends and co-workers, and her Saturday-night bingo partners, some of whom already knew or suspected or just didn't care. I found out that when I told someone I was gay, I had unloaded a juicy piece of gossip that was near impossible for most people to keep. I wasn't angry at Rhonda for spilling the beans to her crowd. I figured if I was "out" then that meant I didn't care if they found out or not, and I'd rather they hear it from her than from someone who didn't care about me. In fact, with Rhonda, I felt like she enjoyed the idea of having a gay brother. Suddenly, she was trendy, having something most of her friends didn't have and couldn't buy, someone alternative and, thanks to current pop culture, even (dare I say?) cool...
Rhonda gave me a big hug that day. I don't think I ever loved her more than I did that morning. With a new sense of relief, I stood at the large office window with Rhonda, both of us watching the new Army recruits running laps around the strip mall parking lot. As they ran past the window, Rhonda and I picked out the ones we planned to take home.
Rhonda wasn't the only one I told that weekend. With my new bravado, I even told the twin, but that's a story for another day.
I wish I remembered the exact date in January 2003, but I do recall it was a Saturday while on a trip back to my hometown. I had told Jan the Counselor about wanting to come out of the closet. Per her instructions, I was to choose one family member and reveal all to him or her. This was no small feat as I had read the horror stories of how gay people had been treated terribly by their own family, being rejected and abandoned, which filled me with a dread I cannot describe in words. However, I had started this journey well-informed and I was willing to take the chance of that happening and dealing with it accordingly.
Of my close family (my mom, my sister, and the twin), I selected my sister Rhonda. She and I had always been close and had grown closer as adults. Rhonda was a huge Will & Grace fan and thought Jack McFarland had hung the moon (or at least had dated it extensively). She had mentioned once that she wished she had a Jack-type friend. Given this information, I figured my sister would be more likely to be able to handle the news.
At the time, my sister was working as an assistant office manager at one of those check-cashing places. I had always hated those places, but it paid well while she looked for something else. On Saturday, she would be working by herself and she and I could be alone. So I went there that morning and found Rhonda was terribly bored as usual. The standard chit-chat ensued, asking about how things were going at work, how the nephew was doing, griping about Mom, etc.
Every time I thought I had brought the energy to tell her, a customer would walk in causing a distraction and my courage would deflate. While she helped a customer, I stared out the window, looking at the young recruits at the Army Recruiting Station being drilled in the parking lot. It was still winter, but warm enough for the young muscled guys and stocky men to go about in long sleeve tee-shirts. They did jumping jacks in formation while a young, buzz-cut officer barked orders. I couldn't hear the words, but the meaning was very apparent. Finally, there was a long enough lull in the business for Rhonda and I to have a serious talk.
I sat Rhonda down and explained that I had something very important to talk to her about. She was a bit nervous as we rarely had overly serious talks about me (but often about her). I searched long and hard for the words to say, thinking that "I'm gay" seemed too direct and it was still difficult to say at this point. I started by asking her how many girls I had dated in high school and college. She replied that she didn't recall any and I told her that was correct. I told her that there was a very good reason for that. My voice cracked a bit, I remember, and my eyes began to tear up a bit. This was the moment, no interruptions and no excuses, I was committed. If I backed off now, she'd be more confused than anything and I had no backup story for cover. Rhonda looked worried as I searched for the words. Finally, the buzzer went off on how to tell her and it came spilling out...
"You've always said you wanted a Jack-type friend. How would you feel about having a Jack-type brother?"
She was visibly stunned, but smiled as the realization of my question sunk in. The pressure gone, I finally told her that I liked men and not women. She wasn't running from the room screaming or telling me to leave in disgust. Though these scenarios were unlikely, they had me worried nonetheless. However, in her silence, I felt the urge to keep talking and elaborating. I started explaining that I had always been this way, but had tried to hide it and had apparently done a poor job considering how often I'd been taunted in high school. I told her that I didn't like the "Jack McFarland" clones, but were attracted to burly men. She surprised me by saying that she was also interested in furry men too. She rattled off many hot male celebrities and I gave her my thumbs up or down on them. Rhonda likes Brad Pitt, I don't. I told her about Jeremy Piven, she asked who he was (this was 2003, before his Entourage fame). I stated that Al from Home Improvement made me weak in the knees, she started to get the picture of the kind of man I liked. For the first time in my life, I talked about boys like my brother talked about girls. It was fun.
I asked Rhonda if she had ever suspected I was gay. She said that on occasion, she had wondered, but had never really given it any real consideration. I explained that I had not dated a man yet and wanted to out myself to her, Mom and the twin before pursuing the search for a compatible bear. This statement opened up the next discussion, how and when do I tell Mom and the twin. While I didn't at the time know when, I felt I had made a valuable ally in this. My sister could smooth things over when I left town if things went bad and answer awkward questions if things went okay. I swore my sister to secrecy, asking her not to reveal this to anyone as it was my decision to tell anyone.
Later, I learned that swearing her to secrecy meant that she would keep it quiet from everyone except her husband, the ladies of her inner circle of friends and co-workers, and her Saturday-night bingo partners, some of whom already knew or suspected or just didn't care. I found out that when I told someone I was gay, I had unloaded a juicy piece of gossip that was near impossible for most people to keep. I wasn't angry at Rhonda for spilling the beans to her crowd. I figured if I was "out" then that meant I didn't care if they found out or not, and I'd rather they hear it from her than from someone who didn't care about me. In fact, with Rhonda, I felt like she enjoyed the idea of having a gay brother. Suddenly, she was trendy, having something most of her friends didn't have and couldn't buy, someone alternative and, thanks to current pop culture, even (dare I say?) cool...
Rhonda gave me a big hug that day. I don't think I ever loved her more than I did that morning. With a new sense of relief, I stood at the large office window with Rhonda, both of us watching the new Army recruits running laps around the strip mall parking lot. As they ran past the window, Rhonda and I picked out the ones we planned to take home.
Rhonda wasn't the only one I told that weekend. With my new bravado, I even told the twin, but that's a story for another day.
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no subject
Date: 2007-01-17 03:48 am (UTC)HeIt was adorable!)Oh, yeah, and thumbs up on Jeremy Piven, from his Ellen days. Yum.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-18 04:49 am (UTC)I'd not seen the interview. Is it online somewhere?
And yeah, Ellen-days Piven was delicious....
no subject
Date: 2007-01-18 06:48 am (UTC)