Paul Lynde on Wikipedia
Jun. 20th, 2006 12:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kybearfuzzOne of my newest fun things to do on the internet is browsing Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia. When I was a kid, my folks splurged and bought us the World Book Encyclopedia set and I could just pull a volume and breeze through it for no reason. I like this site for the same reason.
The other day I found a link to gay comedians and Paul Lynde was one listed. Being the center square he got away with so much innuendo and jokes, it was surprising for it's time. Here are a few of his best one-liners from the show:
Q: You're the world's most popular fruit. What are you?
Lynde: Humble.
Q: What is a "dual purpose cow?"
Lynde: It gives milk and cookies. But I wouldn't recommend the cookies.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: Why do the Hells Angels wear leather?
Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles so easily.
Q: Is there such a thing as a female rooster?
Lynde: Yes, they're the ones who go a doodle-doo.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: Why would you throw a lemon down a garbage disposal?
Lynde: Because it was very, very naughty.
Q: True or false: Roman legend has it that God made the people of the world in a large oven.
Lynde: (looks at Leslie Uggams) Looks like you were overcooked.
Q: What do you do if you are driving downhill and your brakes give out?
Lynde: Honk if you love Jesus.
Q: Can you get an elephant drunk?
Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.
Q: In Alice in Wonderland, who kept crying, "I'm late, I'm late"?
Lynde: Alice. And her mother is sick about it.
Q: What will bring tears to a monkey's eyes?
Lynde: Learning that Tarzan swings both ways.
Q: Which is better looking, a pixie or a fairy?
Lynde: I'll go for the fairy.
Q: In The Wizard of Oz, the Lion wanted courage and the Tin Man wanted a heart. What did the Scarecrow want??
Lynde: He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.
Q: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Lynde: I don't have a third choice?
Q: What is said to be wasted on the young?
Lynde: A whipping.
Q: What is the most abused and neglected part of the body?
Lynde: Well, mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?
Q: Roy Rogers has something stuffed and mounted in his study. What is it?
Lynde: Oh no, not Miss Dale!
Q: Paul, how many men on a hockey team?
Lynde: Oh, about half.
Q: What would the Lone Ranger always leave behind with the damsel in distress he'd saved?
Lynde: A masked baby!
Q: Why was Nathan Hale hung?
Lynde: Heredity.
Q: Queen Elizabeth generally swings her umbrella behind her back, and immediately something happens. What?
Lynde: Lord Snowden doubles over in pain.
Q: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
Lynde: As long as that's as far as it goes.
Q: Why do sheep sleep huddled up?
Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue is a weirdo!
Q: True of false: At a recent hearing in New Jersey, opponents of fluorinated water argued that too much fluorine in a persons system can cause an uncontrollable desire for sex.
Lynde: HEY, CULLIGAN MAN!
Q: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?
Lynde: Smuggling.
Q: Eddie Fisher recently stated, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for them both.” Who or what was he referring to?
Lynde: His fans.
Q: Does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster?
Lynde: Well, it's easier to steer.
Q: Paul, why are forest rangers in remote locations ordering goats as standard equipment?
Lynde: Because the sheep are wising up.
Q: True or false: in the recent world kissing contest in England, two contestants were disqualified when they got too passionate.
Lynde: Yes, but they went on to win in three other categories.
Q: True or false: Paul Revere had sixteen children.
Lynde: From one midnight ride?
Q: You’re equipped with a pick, a sieve, and a shallow pan. What are you about to do?
Lynde: Joan Crawford's eyebrows.
Q: Prehistoric man had two uses for sheep. One was for food. What was the other?
Lynde: Conversation.
The other day I found a link to gay comedians and Paul Lynde was one listed. Being the center square he got away with so much innuendo and jokes, it was surprising for it's time. Here are a few of his best one-liners from the show:
Q: You're the world's most popular fruit. What are you?
Lynde: Humble.
Q: What is a "dual purpose cow?"
Lynde: It gives milk and cookies. But I wouldn't recommend the cookies.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: Why do the Hells Angels wear leather?
Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles so easily.
Q: Is there such a thing as a female rooster?
Lynde: Yes, they're the ones who go a doodle-doo.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: Why would you throw a lemon down a garbage disposal?
Lynde: Because it was very, very naughty.
Q: True or false: Roman legend has it that God made the people of the world in a large oven.
Lynde: (looks at Leslie Uggams) Looks like you were overcooked.
Q: What do you do if you are driving downhill and your brakes give out?
Lynde: Honk if you love Jesus.
Q: Can you get an elephant drunk?
Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.
Q: In Alice in Wonderland, who kept crying, "I'm late, I'm late"?
Lynde: Alice. And her mother is sick about it.
Q: What will bring tears to a monkey's eyes?
Lynde: Learning that Tarzan swings both ways.
Q: Which is better looking, a pixie or a fairy?
Lynde: I'll go for the fairy.
Q: In The Wizard of Oz, the Lion wanted courage and the Tin Man wanted a heart. What did the Scarecrow want??
Lynde: He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.
Q: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Lynde: I don't have a third choice?
Q: What is said to be wasted on the young?
Lynde: A whipping.
Q: What is the most abused and neglected part of the body?
Lynde: Well, mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene?
Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?
Q: Roy Rogers has something stuffed and mounted in his study. What is it?
Lynde: Oh no, not Miss Dale!
Q: Paul, how many men on a hockey team?
Lynde: Oh, about half.
Q: What would the Lone Ranger always leave behind with the damsel in distress he'd saved?
Lynde: A masked baby!
Q: Why was Nathan Hale hung?
Lynde: Heredity.
Q: Queen Elizabeth generally swings her umbrella behind her back, and immediately something happens. What?
Lynde: Lord Snowden doubles over in pain.
Q: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
Lynde: As long as that's as far as it goes.
Q: Why do sheep sleep huddled up?
Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue is a weirdo!
Q: True of false: At a recent hearing in New Jersey, opponents of fluorinated water argued that too much fluorine in a persons system can cause an uncontrollable desire for sex.
Lynde: HEY, CULLIGAN MAN!
Q: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?
Lynde: Smuggling.
Q: Eddie Fisher recently stated, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for them both.” Who or what was he referring to?
Lynde: His fans.
Q: Does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps you go faster?
Lynde: Well, it's easier to steer.
Q: Paul, why are forest rangers in remote locations ordering goats as standard equipment?
Lynde: Because the sheep are wising up.
Q: True or false: in the recent world kissing contest in England, two contestants were disqualified when they got too passionate.
Lynde: Yes, but they went on to win in three other categories.
Q: True or false: Paul Revere had sixteen children.
Lynde: From one midnight ride?
Q: You’re equipped with a pick, a sieve, and a shallow pan. What are you about to do?
Lynde: Joan Crawford's eyebrows.
Q: Prehistoric man had two uses for sheep. One was for food. What was the other?
Lynde: Conversation.
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no subject
Date: 2006-06-20 07:25 pm (UTC)