Seven in Gay Years

[kybearfuzz]

From Family Guy's "Something Something Something Darkside"
January 2010 marks my seventh anniversary for coming out.

When I first came out I thought about all the things I would gain from finally doing it -- dating, a boyfriend, a relationship, experiencing all the gushy things that I observed watching my siblings do the dating thing during my teen years. Add to that a healthy amount of fear of the things I would lose potentially -- friends, family, etc. -- those who wouldn't be able to handle the idea of my being gay. In reality, neither of them has happened exactly as I had hoped or feared, proof that we often think in extremes when the middle ground is more realistic.

To date, I haven't found my guy yet. I date and then take a break for a bit when things don't progress to other things. I'm a bit more seasoned about it, agreeing that being solo isn't always a bad thing. In terms of losing friends, I can't say that has happened either. There are two people in my life that I wished had taken it better.

The first is the twin. He and I have discussed my gay life only the one time, the day I came out to him seven years ago. One day soon after that, I tried once to talk to him about it, only to have him say, "I don't want to talk about that stuff." I've not brought it up since, though I have basically come to the decision that I would take little interest in his personal life outside family since he has no interest in mine. It sounds extreme, but to be honest, it's really not much different than the way we were before.

The second was my college roommate. I didn't come out to him, but rather it just happened in a round about way. A couple of years ago, just after the Christmas holidays, I was on the road on a work trip and ended up near his home in Eastern Kentucky. Since I was in the neighborhood, I called his house from the motel and asked his lovely wife if I could stop by. She said yeah and I drove over to see everyone -- him, his wife, and their four children, including his new baby girl. I came in, said hi, talked with his missus and played with the boys, but the entire time my friend was a bit quiet. He didn't say much during my the entire visit really. Then his mother stopped in, she lives just next door. Usually when she ran into me, she'd give me a hug and check my ring finger, asking why I hadn't gotten married yet. This time, she didn't, and was nearly as reserved as her son. After an hour of visiting and taking a few photos with the kids, I decided to head back. His wife was as sweet as ever, but my former roommate didn't even get off the couch to walk me out.

That night I felt something was off, but I didn't think about it too much. He was a new father again, with a small baby that likely wasn't sleeping through the night, so I figured he was tired. His mom and his dad had both had health problems so I attributed her behavior to that. Life went on.

It was during the following summer when the puzzle pieces actually came together thanks to a missing piece provided by my roommate's younger brother. He and I both play in the local gay softball league here. Apparently, months earlier during a weekend home (possibly the holidays), his family was sitting down to dinner and discussing this and that and the topic of softball had come up. He had mentioned to his parents (and likely his brother) that it was a gay league. When they asked how he had found out about such a league, he let it slip that I had told him about it and played on one of the other teams. I'm not sure what questions were asked after that piece of trivia was brought forth, but the cool attitude from his family seemed to be well explained I think. I've not been in contact with him since that night, but he's not contacted me either.

In the journeys we take, there are always bumps in the road, even on those familiar roads that we've not traveled on for some time. This is growing up, this is gaining experience, and even the bad ones are valuable. I wish things were different between me and the twin and me and the roommate, but I can't change them. I admit I'm not the "in your face" sort, but I am here. Change isn't the goal, it's acceptance, and I have learned to accept that not everyone is capable or willing.

Still, for these two people who do not accept me that way, there are so many new folks that have. My friends here in the Cincinnati area, my buddies online, some I have met and others I hope to someday, and the even occasional guy I go out with. I certainly wouldn't change any of that.

Comments

[mrdreamjeans.livejournal.com]

You give multiple layers to the phrase "the other team". I'm curious ... Is the younger brother gay and playing on one of the softball teams or playing as a straight man in a mixed league? It would seem odd, if your college roommate had a gay brother, that he would not readily accept you. I'm not sure why he would be threatened with four kids, unless there's a missing ingredient in this tale.

Regardless ... Thanks you for sharing your story. There are so many of us here who admire you, respect your brains and talent and are incapable of not flirting a bit with you in all of your handsomeness ... We're glad you're playing for our team:)

ps ... If you run into cincydave or cincycub, please tell them I miss seeing them here.

HUGS!

[madknits.livejournal.com]

Mazel tov on your anniversary!
*blows horns, stamps feet, does happy dance*

As for your brother and roommate, I wish things could be different, too, but when life hands you lemmons, make lemmon chiffon pie. Lemmonade is sooo 20th century.

Any ideas how you and the twin could build some bridges?

[spatts5.livejournal.com]

I came out in January too (a few years earlier than you). My family took the news very well and have always been supportive, but it's really a "don't ask, don't tell" situation which is OK with me. Congratulations on being you and being happy with who you are.

[texwriterbear.livejournal.com]

Happy Anniversary Mark. It seems like a lot of us go through the "Don't ask don't tell" with our families. I know I am. Big hugs!!

[mikiedoggie.livejournal.com]

I think the coming out process tends to be a lot more anti-climatic then we think it will be. its unfortunate that your brother and your ex-roommate act the way they do (especially the ex-roommate). Sometimes people forget that people should be judged by the type of person they are, not by a label.

I've been out since 1994, and yeah, I would have thought I would have dated seriously more by now. lol. Oops.

Big hugs to you. I miss you guys in Cincinnati, I need to come visit again sometime.

[clintswan.livejournal.com]

*snug*

[designerotter.livejournal.com]

You've told your story simply and beautifully... it was a pleasure to read and to know that you have achieved such inner balance.
I wonder if time and future history will open some hearts .. you never can tell. It's inevitable when we come out, especially to family, we draw a line in the sand ... some folks can only walk to the edge of that line, some have no problem stepping over it to our side (thus virtually erasing the line).
I've found that coming out is the proverbial onion-peeling process. I think you've got some interesting stories ahead of you ... may they be mosty happy ones.