kybearfuzz | Bitchie Ann McSourpuss (Reply)

Bitchie Ann McSourpuss -- Artist's Rendering
Seeing how my Goth-Spinster alter-ego has been in present in a sense more often than me in the last month, I thought I would give her a sound introduction, which translates better to warning. I was sitting around today and the image of Bitchie came to mind and I sketched her out, which is good considering that her image cannot be captured on film.

Bitchie's life started out when one sperm from a traveling encyclopedia salesman hit the final fallen egg from a pre-menopausal prostitute. After being pickled in an embryonic fluid that was 50% gin for nine months, Bitchie was born.

Left at a Catholic orphanage, Our Lady of the Unshorn Legs, she learned that she was likely going to hell no matter what happened and took up a fondness for dark eyeshadow and black clothing. During her school years, Bitchie's height was stunted by smoking cigarettes home-made from oregano and cat litter. However, she discovered that her prematurely-aged face allowed her to buy alcohol without an ID, which made her surprisingly popular with the football team. She was nearly expelled once for soaking the cheerleaders' pom-pom's in vodka and setting them ablaze. Her excuse was that she had a tough time seeing them from the top of the bleachers.

Despite her lackluster grades, she was awarded a last minute scholarship when the photos of the previous awardee's sexual indiscretions were sent to the review board by a mysterious source. So Bitchie packed up her camera and bags and made her way to Berea College, a small non-denominational Christian liberal arts college.

After graduating last in her class in college, she accidentally enlisted in the military when she thought she was filling out an application to win a free trip to Rome. During the physical, she described her last sexual experience as when the doctor spanked her to induce breathing. Three months later, they discovered that she was female and she was discharged.

She finally accepted a position in an office where the aggravation of life turned her to a life of black magic, which was no great stretch as she had been planning to do it anyway. Armed with her self-help dark magic book and her wand created from a bent coat-hanger, she levitates off the ground when management rears it's seven Dilbertesque heads.

Random facts about Bitchie Ann:

She knows how many facelifts Joan Rivers has had.
She's the only person ever paid by eHarmony to NOT subscribe again.
She enjoys farting in elevators.
She believes filling the ice trays qualifies as "cooking"
She phones her IT department and asks where the "Any" key is just to hear them curse.
She has been linked to several spontaneous human combustions of people who were talking during the movie.
Her icy stare has been known to halt conversations in mid-sentence.