kybearfuzz (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kybearfuzz) wrote2006-01-22 06:29 pm
kybearfuzz) wrote2006-01-22 06:29 pm
Entry tags:
Being Out for Three Years
I wish I had recorded the exact day when I looked into the mirror and accepted the fact I was gay. I remember it was January 2003, but the day is pretty much lost to me. In looking back it seemed so much was going on at the time that the days blurred together. And of course, I didn't have LJ to document it all. Too bad, I think I would have enjoyed having that on record.
I think for this year's anniversary, I'll recount my very first date. I don't mean my first gay date, specifically, but rather my first date.. EVER... at age 30, that just happened to be with a guy :)
I went my first 30 years without dating. I just felt that dating a girl was dangerous, that she'd think something was wrong with me and tell the world. I buried myself in school work for years and later was living in Kansas, which I always viewed as temporary which helped with my excuse of why I never wanted to date the local gals.
So after the coming out process, I popped myself onto a few dating websites and looked around. It was April 2003 and I started chatting with a cute guy that I'll refer to as Tom. Tom was a cute guy, built about like me -- stocky with dark hair and a goatee. He was a fan of cartoons, which left us with a lot to talk about. After some chatting, Tom and I set a date to have dinner and hang out at Carol's on Main, which ironically was one of the places my therapist at the time was recommending I visit. So in my black shirt and jeans, I went off to meet this guy, my first date. I was rather self-conscious, of course, because it was my first date and I had my newly attached braces.
It was a Wednesday, I walked into the restaurant, it was a relatively warm day, and there he was sitting at a booth in a black tee-shirt, jean shorts, a lose button up shirt over him and a ball cap. It wasn't what I thought I'd see him in on a date, but he was very cute. I remember thinking that he had one of the thickest goatees I'd ever seen and his eyes were nearly crystal blue, incredibly beautiful. He was also incredibly furry -- arms, legs, nearly every inch of him I could see. Except his head, which was covered by the ball cap.
We had a very nice dinner. He bought me a few gifts for my coming out, including the multi-colored ring necklace and a rainbow bear air freshener for the car. Not the finest gifts in the world, but I thought it was very cute. After dinner and talking, we drove over to Hamburger Mary's, my first visit there too. On a Wednesday, there wasn't much of a crowd. The tall, skinny dude with red hair that still bartends there was working. I remember that he smarted off to Joan, the drag queen hostess, who ended up slapping him. I thought to myself, it's a dude in dress and I wouldn't put up with it.
We were sitting at the bar watching Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill on the TV. The bartender actually turned off the music and turned up the volume so we could enjoy it. We sat at the bar for a couple of hours. Over that time, we slowly started getting closer and closer to each other. He put his arm around me and I remember how incredibly warm he was. After years of not being near another person like that, I never realized how ... electric... it felt to feel the warmth and touch of another person in a romantic way. My hand brushed his leg and ended up on his knee for quite a while. I was getting very smitten with him very quickly, one of the negatives of being newly out and inexperienced in dating.
It being Wednesday, we both had to get home. So as I was leaving, I told him I'd drive him back to his car. It turned out that he didn't have one and was going to call a cab. I didn't realize that he didn't have wheels as I had met him at the restaurant, so I offered to drive him home. We sat in his apartment parking lot for a few minutes, kissing (my very first kiss too.. and it was damn good) and doing some innocent groping. I got to feel his very furry chest, which just drove me crazy. We ended it before either of us got too far along. So I said good night and looked forward to seeing him again.
Sadly, we only went out one more time over the next few weeks. It seemed that neither of us could find the time to date, so I decided that we should just be friends before I got more involved. I've seen Tom online and out a couple of times, but I've never said hi. He and I were hanging out with different groups and it just didn't feel right I guess. I wish I could tell him the important place in my history he holds. One never forgets his first kiss or his first date.
I think for this year's anniversary, I'll recount my very first date. I don't mean my first gay date, specifically, but rather my first date.. EVER... at age 30, that just happened to be with a guy :)
I went my first 30 years without dating. I just felt that dating a girl was dangerous, that she'd think something was wrong with me and tell the world. I buried myself in school work for years and later was living in Kansas, which I always viewed as temporary which helped with my excuse of why I never wanted to date the local gals.
So after the coming out process, I popped myself onto a few dating websites and looked around. It was April 2003 and I started chatting with a cute guy that I'll refer to as Tom. Tom was a cute guy, built about like me -- stocky with dark hair and a goatee. He was a fan of cartoons, which left us with a lot to talk about. After some chatting, Tom and I set a date to have dinner and hang out at Carol's on Main, which ironically was one of the places my therapist at the time was recommending I visit. So in my black shirt and jeans, I went off to meet this guy, my first date. I was rather self-conscious, of course, because it was my first date and I had my newly attached braces.
It was a Wednesday, I walked into the restaurant, it was a relatively warm day, and there he was sitting at a booth in a black tee-shirt, jean shorts, a lose button up shirt over him and a ball cap. It wasn't what I thought I'd see him in on a date, but he was very cute. I remember thinking that he had one of the thickest goatees I'd ever seen and his eyes were nearly crystal blue, incredibly beautiful. He was also incredibly furry -- arms, legs, nearly every inch of him I could see. Except his head, which was covered by the ball cap.
We had a very nice dinner. He bought me a few gifts for my coming out, including the multi-colored ring necklace and a rainbow bear air freshener for the car. Not the finest gifts in the world, but I thought it was very cute. After dinner and talking, we drove over to Hamburger Mary's, my first visit there too. On a Wednesday, there wasn't much of a crowd. The tall, skinny dude with red hair that still bartends there was working. I remember that he smarted off to Joan, the drag queen hostess, who ended up slapping him. I thought to myself, it's a dude in dress and I wouldn't put up with it.
We were sitting at the bar watching Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill on the TV. The bartender actually turned off the music and turned up the volume so we could enjoy it. We sat at the bar for a couple of hours. Over that time, we slowly started getting closer and closer to each other. He put his arm around me and I remember how incredibly warm he was. After years of not being near another person like that, I never realized how ... electric... it felt to feel the warmth and touch of another person in a romantic way. My hand brushed his leg and ended up on his knee for quite a while. I was getting very smitten with him very quickly, one of the negatives of being newly out and inexperienced in dating.
It being Wednesday, we both had to get home. So as I was leaving, I told him I'd drive him back to his car. It turned out that he didn't have one and was going to call a cab. I didn't realize that he didn't have wheels as I had met him at the restaurant, so I offered to drive him home. We sat in his apartment parking lot for a few minutes, kissing (my very first kiss too.. and it was damn good) and doing some innocent groping. I got to feel his very furry chest, which just drove me crazy. We ended it before either of us got too far along. So I said good night and looked forward to seeing him again.
Sadly, we only went out one more time over the next few weeks. It seemed that neither of us could find the time to date, so I decided that we should just be friends before I got more involved. I've seen Tom online and out a couple of times, but I've never said hi. He and I were hanging out with different groups and it just didn't feel right I guess. I wish I could tell him the important place in my history he holds. One never forgets his first kiss or his first date.
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Interestingly enough, I had come out 2 years before you did, but at the age of 36. However, the actual day was in mid November, on a cold, wet and somewhat snowy day at that. :-)
But not before having my first tryst during the whole 7 months it took to come to this realization.
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That's a story for another day...
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Well, I can honestly say I would have remembered that myself too :)
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For you, coming out early probably wouldn't have made you much less of those things in my opinion. Most likely would just have more notches on your heart/bedpost and thats about it. Embrace your low mileage, it's very attractive on ya :)
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I took 10 months to go on my first gay date. He sounds lovely. You were definitely going for quality rather than quantity!
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