kybearfuzz | A Week of No Posting

Last week I was in the Washington, DC area. I apologize for not contacting any of the DC locals for dinner, but my short week there kept me and my cohorts pretty busy. The no posting was a part of that. The days went quick and the evenings were essentially pre-planned in the group. As always, I'll be back.

My softball team did well in last week's tournament while I was out. I have no idea if we have a game tomorrow night or if the season is over.
I had the freakiest of dreams over the weekend. I didn't jot them down so I only remember bits and pieces. I'll try to write them up later.
All 24 pages of issue #8 of "Grizzly and the Bear Patrol" are drawn. So far, I've inked the first five pages. It'll likely be online by September or so.
I've been thinking about writing my college roommate lately. From what I've heard through the grapevine, he's not terribly happy to find out his roomie of two years is gay, but a part of me wants to get it off my chest. Not sure if a lengthy explanation would do either of us any good. I've not seen or talked to him in seven years, but a part of me would like to try to reconnect, or at least say I tried. This is fueled by him being IN one of my weekend weird dreams.
It's good to be home.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Why do you feel you own him any explanations? Its who you are. Does his heterosexuality deserve any explanation to you?

I don't think I need to explain to him WHY I'm gay, but why I never disclosed it to him.

We were fairly close when we were in college and I know that my coming out, especially hearing it from someone else, threw him for a loop. He's a born-again Christian, so I realize that any discussion will likely be received negatively on his part.

Will it change things? Probably not, but at least my emotional slate will be clear and the future of any communication left up to him.

This does bring to point my question: If you know (or are at least fairly certain) that discussing your homosexuality will be met negatively, who will it benefit? Are you actually looking forward to being shut down? Or are simply going to enjoy raising some dust? I sincerely doubt that this will improve your relationship.

This seems oddly self-serving, which is not a trait I associate with you.

Maybe I'm just trying to clear the air, get my side of the story out to him so he doesn't imagine the worst, try to salvage a bridge that needs repair, etc.

I never thought of it as self-serving. I just miss him.

I didn't have the experience of dorm life during college; I think I would've found it hopelessly distracting. Therefore, I find it a bit odd that you want to re-connect with a fellow, who, by all appearances (and for whatever reason), has shown no interest in contacting you. Isn't THAT a bit telling?

It's been seven years; is there a "bridge" there at all?

I may be an exception here, but my college experience ended when I has handed a diploma. With the exception of a college theatre reunion, I haven't set foot on the campus, or contacted an alumnus since.

Fine. You're right...

No, I'm right for me.

I merely ask questions for which YOU have the answers. If you honestly believe this guy is worth the time, the energy, and the emotional investment, go for it. Having lived with the guy for two school years, you know him far better than I.

Considering the fact that I never joined a fraternity, that lived off-campus with my family, and participated in campus life only as an extention of my classwork, you can't call my university experience "average". So, I don't know how dorm life works, or if anyone "bonds" with their roommate...or if they're supposed to.

From what you've told me, it seems your relationship has run its course, but if you need to verify that, go for it; just be prepared to feel a door slammed in your face.

If he has become a born again Christian, I would be very careful with any written contact. Mostly because, if you want to preserve any relationship with him, almost anything you write is likely to escalate if not handled carefully.

I had really fond memories of college, and came out right after I graduated. I had some conservative friends that found out later on, and a few of them were a bit upset they never knew. It was my understanding they got over it after a few months, and when I eventually got into contact with them a few years after that my sexual preferences were mostly ignored. It was fine.

I don't think it is necessarily a bad idea you want to write him, but if you do want to contact him it might make more sense for a letter to just ask him how he's doing, rather than bring up the "hey, I heard you found out I was gay!" See how that goes, first. Just my two cents.

So, you want him to understand that your coming out was something you hid from him when you were in college together because you knew he would react badly? It seems you are risking upsetting his composure, friendship, possible goodwill, to explain something that I think you already know, deep down, isn't going to go over well.

But then, who am I to argue with you? He may have matured, and he may be completely accepting of you now.

I told my college roommate in my sophomore year that I was gay; he freaked and told me I wasn't gay, I was just confused, and to NEVER bring it up again.

2 years or so after I'd left college, he wrote me.

I told him I was NOT confused, that I was out of the closet a few years and knew at last I was gay.

He stopped writing.

I don't miss him; if that's way he wants it, fine. Oh, and he found out his best friend in high school was gay, and told him he never wanted to see him again. This hurt his friend badly, but I don't think that bothered him, to hurt he with whom he had once been very close.

I'm telling you my experience because I would like you to factor it in to your decision when you next contact your old college roommate.

But you get to decide what is real- and what is an illusion.*

* I didn't write that last line-it's from The Moody Blues- Knights In White Satin.

What an interesting topic .... it's one of the things most of us gay guys have had come up either in actuality or certainly in our thoughts. A couple years back I reconnected with one of my old college roomies (he contacted me, via the internet). He was a film major, now has grandchildren, is straight and has been married for years. We've been very cordial with each other (though he lives at the other end of the country).
Obviously there's no right or wrong answer to your dilemma ...it's entirely up to you to weigh your needs and the consequences. The nice thing is that you have little if anything to lose, either way. Who knows, he might even be influenced positively by hearing from you. The question of leaving the door closed or reopening it confronts most of us ...it's about whatever gives you the peace you crave.

Welcome back!

I kinda know how you feel about the roommate. I've come out to old high schoo/college friends and it's been cool. One old friend form those days, though--I've steered clear of it. On one hand, I thought he was homophobic, on the other hand, I suspect that he may be further on the scale thatn I'd thought....'ve sort of let it slide...I sometimes think I want to let him know why I haven't told him.

A Week of No Posting

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